Thursday, August 30, 2007

Nappy headed Ida-hoe Senator Larry Craig proposes new site for GOP Convention

Ida-hoe Senator Larry Craig today proposed that the Republican Party "come out of the closet, or crawl out of its black hole" and hold its presidential convention next year in an airport bathroom stall.

Craig, who claimed he was merely picking a pubic hair off of the shoe of an undercover police officer who was sitting on a toilet in the stall next to him at a Minneapolis Airport, denied trying to make a pass at the officer.

At first, when Craig was arrested by police for soliciting lewd acts during the potty break between flights, Craig responded by yelling, "There's a man speaking Ay-rab in the bathroom. Please, save me."

Later, police corrected the charges filed against Craig, explaining that by "lewd acts," they were not referring to "voting Republican," which is what most Republican Senators and members of Congress do, or blindly following President Bush's orders in Iraq.

The arresting officer told reporters, "That nappy-headed Ida-hoe Craig first tried to play pussy foot with me and then put his left hand, palm up, in my stall. I thought he was soliciting me for a bribe until I realized that he wasn't handing me an envelope."

Republicans immediately defended Craig, arguing that the left-wing liberal news media never criticizes Democrats who solicit oral sex from campaign volunteers in the White House while smoking cigars.
Retiring former House Speaker Dennis Hastert immediately issued a press release declaring, "Just as I knew nothing about the frolicking -- emphasis on licking -- of former congressman Mark Foley, I knew absolutely nothing about Senator Craig. In fact, during my entire career as a congressman, I have vigilantly preserved and protected my ability to know absolutely nothing about nothing."
Hastert then broke out into a rendition of the Billy Preston hit song "Nothing from Nothing."
Sang Hastert:
Nothin' from Foley leaves nothin'
I knew he was Gay somethin'
That's what everyone was telling me

Nothin' from Craig means more nothin'
He gotta say more excusin'
If you wanna play with me

I'm not tryin' to be a zero'
Cause a zero is too bold for me, brrr
I'm not tryin' to be your highness'
Cause my ass hangs too low to see, yeah

Nothin' from Foley leaves nothin'
And I'm not stuffin'
Believe you me

Don't you remember Craig I told ya
You're a failure in the war on sodomy, yeah
Yes, I hammed

Nothin' from Foley means nothin'
He gotta give me somthin'
If you wanna be with me

Nothin' from Craig leaves more nothin'
He gotta give somethin'
If you wanna be with me

You gotta give somethin'
If you wanna be with me

You gotta bring me somethin' girl
If you wanna be with me

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Polyp removed from Bush's Ass looks like Dick Cheney, doctors reveal

Doctors said that whent hey removed five polyps from President Bush's "colon" (or asshole), one of them looked remarkably like Dick Cheney, the vice president who controls the White House.

They said that although all five were "benign," only the one that looked like Cheney appeared to be frightening and of concern.

From his operating table, on his stomach with his ass pillowed up in the air, Bush was reported to have mumbled, "Can you get Hillary out of there, too? She's been a bug up my ass since day one."

Each polyp was less than 1 centimeter in diameter, meaning they were probably caught before cancer could develop. The procedure took place at Camp David under the supervision of Bush's physician, Richard Tubb. But the one that looked like Cheney had an ugly scowl.

"Honestly, at first, we were afraid thet other polyps might have faces, too. We looked for Jesus but realized Jesus wouldn't be caught dead anywhere near Bush. Of course, neither would Mohammed, although one doctor said he thought one of the polyps looked like Mohammed, but then explained "Not Mohammed the Prophet, Praise Be Upon Him." The doctor was a Muslim from Afghanistan and former Taliban M*A*S*H unit commander until he was indoctrinated by the Pervez Mushharaf school for electrical re-education.

The doctor continued in his Pakistani accent, "I was talking about Mohammed, the guy who makes my falafel sandwiches. You Poobah Head."

Even Bush laughed. Although uncomfortably.

Cheney was at his Chesapeake Bay vacation home in Maryland about 30 miles outside Washington where, serving as the "acting president" Saturday morning for two hours and five minutes, he ordered the approval of more than $500 billion in Halliburton contracts in Iraq be approved for "fresh Turkeys."

Bush reclaimed his Presidential authority at 9:21 a.m. on Saturday and returned to watching reruns of All in the Family.

One newspaper reported, "The surest sign of that was Bush's plan for Saturday afternoon: a bike ride through the wooded hills of the presidential retreat." Of course, they did not mentioned that he was riding his bicycle without a seat on it, hoping to minimize Cheney's influence.


Thursday, July 12, 2007

Blackmailer of New JerseyBeauty Queen Amy Polumbo launches official campaign to expose more embarrasing photos

The anonymous blackmailer of Miss New Jersey Amy Polumbo -- who distributed embarassing photographs of the beauty queen -- launched a campaign to unmask the embarassing moments of other "role models."

Refusing to identify his or her real identity, and only going by the title "lowlife scumbag," the blackmailer eleased other photos of celebrities demanding they, too, resign from office:

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California, posing with two California pyramids

Barack Obama, posing on the front cover of a disgracefully disgusting biased magazine

Nancy Pelosi in a Hijab that doesn't have a pocket for a cell phone -- so retro!

George W. Bush with Henry Kissinger -- we're not sure which of these liars should be more embarrassed

Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter, who is the bigger racist pig? Just being in a photo is embarrassing

Friday, May 4, 2007

Israelis defend use of rubber bullets, then withdraw press release

Israeli leaders and Jewish American activists defended the use of rubber bullets at last week's protests, and issued the following statement.

"Rubber bullets are a humane way to respond to peaceful insurgencies from terrorist sympathizing criminals and non-Jews in Palestine," the leaders said in a joint statement after the protest.

But as they were reading the statement, an aide rushed into the room and pointed out that the rubber bullets were used not in Palestine last week against the usual suspects of peaceful Palestinian protestors and Nobel Peace Prize winners, but rather at supporters of immigration reform in Los Angeles, where dozens of people were injured there, too.

"Ah, we want to point out that the rubber used in the bullets against bloodthirsty Palestinian terrorist murderers Jew-hating anti-Semites and celebrators of Sept. 11 with dancing and handing out candies who kill their own people and celebrate death by dressing up babies as martyrs and suicide bombers ... (pause) ... are not the same as the unjustified rubber bullets used to squelch a peaceful protest of Mexicans in Los Angeles last week. There is a difference!"

Monday, April 30, 2007

Hamas militants win Bir Zeit college campus elections, declares one state solution plan

The Hamas organization swept through student elections at Biz Zeit University this week, pushing aside challenges from moderates who advocate a two-state solution, and endorsing those who advocate a one state solution aptly titled: "Israel, no Palestine," or the Hamas INP One State Solution Plan, also dubbed the INP-OSSP, or, as many have already figured out, sounds incredibly close to the American expression, "Impossible!"

In celebrating their election victory, Hamas members fired guns in the air, killing tens of innocent doves that were flying over head. And, the Hamas leaders also declared a special day of thanks to their founder.

Of course, students were immediately confused as to whether Hamas was refering to the late Sheik Ahmed Yassin who was murdered by non-suicide Israeli helicopter pilots missile attacks as he was leaving a mosque being pushed out of the prayer service in his wheelchair where he had been confined for years as a paraplegic unable to move or walk. Or, bystanders wondered if Hamas was actually celebrating another pair of terrorist leaders, Yitzhak Shamir, the former head of the Stern Gang, and Ariel Sharon, who is now being used as the portrait on a new "Subway can make you thin" advertising campaign to promote the opening of 500 Indian-Urdu owned Subway Sandwich shops throughout Israel.

"Hey, if it wasn't for Shamir and Sharon, the "SS" of Israeli terrorism, Sheik Yassin could never have raised all that money in the 1970s under the umbrella of the Islamic Association and the Village League system, and then they would not have been able to push out the secular losers working for Arafat, and then they would never have been able to arm Hamas during the first few months of the first Intifada, which began for reasons no one really seems to remember because the list of martyrs is now more than 7,894 pages long and growing," said one former Fatah lieutenant whose son is a member of the secular wing of the al-Aqsa Martyr's Brigade, the "Christian Palestinians for Self-Destruction" unit.

Hamas said that once it takes over all of the universities, they next step will be to tackle the enemy at cafes and dance clubs. "Next year we'll do it right in Beirut," Hamas leaders cheered!


Iranian President Ahmadinejad bans Western haircuts; makes cover of Mad Magazine

Iranian President Ahmadinejad declared Monday that all Western style haircuts will be banned and that Iranian men will be required to get only one haircut, the "Ahmadinejad Comeover."

The Iranian President's declaration banning Western syle haircuts including spikes, tapers, graphix, slants, slopes, angles, friz, Afros, green and purple dyed, and the "Britney Spears bald" look.

The Britney Spears Bald look, called "The Iranian Smoothie," was growing in popularity in Tehran among younger Iranians after the Western Rock Pop star went berserk and started flashing without undergarments. Her actions prompted many Iranians to observe, "Man, she is so crazeeeeeee, she must be I-ranian."

President Ahmadinejad even declared Britney Spears to be a "National Treasure," saying, "The corrupt and decadent Western culture forced Britney to do this. She is a National treasure. We love blond White women. They make the best second wives. It's all about rebound sex."

The Iranian Parliament, also called the Assylum in Farsi, endorsed Ahmadinejad's declaration, although there was a fierce debate on whether or not the official Iranian haircut should be Ahmedinejad's hair style of a closely cropped Donald Trump comeover, or the style preferred by the late Ayatollah Khomeini, but no one could find a picture of Khomeini's head without the Tarboush on it.

Mad Magazine, which distributes editions in Iran under a special Farsi name, "We're Crazy MudderF'ers," declared Ahmedinejad "Man-iac of the Year."

The Iranian Assylum also declared that anyone arrested and convicted of wearing an unauthorized haircut would have the haircut extended to the shoulders.

Of course, Offmyrocker MullahMullah, the spokesman for the Iranian Assylum, later clarified the new law saying, "Of course, we made a slight mistake. If you are arrested, you are convicted, so the language should read 'anyone arrested wearing an unauthorized haircut' will be headed."

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Friday, April 27, 2007

Indian judge orders death sentence against Gere and slavery sale to Shetty in public kissing fiasco

An Indian Judge ordered that American Actor Richard Gere be shot after he publicly laid a wet one on Hindu starlet Shilpa Shetty during a rally to raise awareness of AIDs.

During the same court hearing, Judge Pastel "Paddy" Patel issued an order to release a man charged with murdering his two daughters allegedly after he heard rumors that a man in another Indian city had posted a comment about the daughters on Facebook calling them "hot looking in Saris."

The judge said that Gere's kiss was an insult to Indian tradition and culture because Shetty is "a national treasure. Kind of like a possession of all Indian men." The man who killed his two daughters, the judge said, did so to protect his honor, which is the highest honor in Urdu culture.

Shetty had achieved stardom when she was named the winner of the British reality show “Celebrity Big Brother.” Shetty out-performed a fellow contestant, Jade Goody, who sparked international headlines by allegedly making racist comments about Shetty and her Indian heritage.

Mobs took to the streets of India to denounce Goody and threatened to burn the Big Brother House to salty assed ground. Shetty was named the winner in the competition.