Thursday, August 30, 2007

Nappy headed Ida-hoe Senator Larry Craig proposes new site for GOP Convention

Ida-hoe Senator Larry Craig today proposed that the Republican Party "come out of the closet, or crawl out of its black hole" and hold its presidential convention next year in an airport bathroom stall.

Craig, who claimed he was merely picking a pubic hair off of the shoe of an undercover police officer who was sitting on a toilet in the stall next to him at a Minneapolis Airport, denied trying to make a pass at the officer.

At first, when Craig was arrested by police for soliciting lewd acts during the potty break between flights, Craig responded by yelling, "There's a man speaking Ay-rab in the bathroom. Please, save me."

Later, police corrected the charges filed against Craig, explaining that by "lewd acts," they were not referring to "voting Republican," which is what most Republican Senators and members of Congress do, or blindly following President Bush's orders in Iraq.

The arresting officer told reporters, "That nappy-headed Ida-hoe Craig first tried to play pussy foot with me and then put his left hand, palm up, in my stall. I thought he was soliciting me for a bribe until I realized that he wasn't handing me an envelope."

Republicans immediately defended Craig, arguing that the left-wing liberal news media never criticizes Democrats who solicit oral sex from campaign volunteers in the White House while smoking cigars.
Retiring former House Speaker Dennis Hastert immediately issued a press release declaring, "Just as I knew nothing about the frolicking -- emphasis on licking -- of former congressman Mark Foley, I knew absolutely nothing about Senator Craig. In fact, during my entire career as a congressman, I have vigilantly preserved and protected my ability to know absolutely nothing about nothing."
Hastert then broke out into a rendition of the Billy Preston hit song "Nothing from Nothing."
Sang Hastert:
Nothin' from Foley leaves nothin'
I knew he was Gay somethin'
That's what everyone was telling me

Nothin' from Craig means more nothin'
He gotta say more excusin'
If you wanna play with me

I'm not tryin' to be a zero'
Cause a zero is too bold for me, brrr
I'm not tryin' to be your highness'
Cause my ass hangs too low to see, yeah

Nothin' from Foley leaves nothin'
And I'm not stuffin'
Believe you me

Don't you remember Craig I told ya
You're a failure in the war on sodomy, yeah
Yes, I hammed

Nothin' from Foley means nothin'
He gotta give me somthin'
If you wanna be with me

Nothin' from Craig leaves more nothin'
He gotta give somethin'
If you wanna be with me

You gotta give somethin'
If you wanna be with me

You gotta bring me somethin' girl
If you wanna be with me

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Polyp removed from Bush's Ass looks like Dick Cheney, doctors reveal

Doctors said that whent hey removed five polyps from President Bush's "colon" (or asshole), one of them looked remarkably like Dick Cheney, the vice president who controls the White House.

They said that although all five were "benign," only the one that looked like Cheney appeared to be frightening and of concern.

From his operating table, on his stomach with his ass pillowed up in the air, Bush was reported to have mumbled, "Can you get Hillary out of there, too? She's been a bug up my ass since day one."

Each polyp was less than 1 centimeter in diameter, meaning they were probably caught before cancer could develop. The procedure took place at Camp David under the supervision of Bush's physician, Richard Tubb. But the one that looked like Cheney had an ugly scowl.

"Honestly, at first, we were afraid thet other polyps might have faces, too. We looked for Jesus but realized Jesus wouldn't be caught dead anywhere near Bush. Of course, neither would Mohammed, although one doctor said he thought one of the polyps looked like Mohammed, but then explained "Not Mohammed the Prophet, Praise Be Upon Him." The doctor was a Muslim from Afghanistan and former Taliban M*A*S*H unit commander until he was indoctrinated by the Pervez Mushharaf school for electrical re-education.

The doctor continued in his Pakistani accent, "I was talking about Mohammed, the guy who makes my falafel sandwiches. You Poobah Head."

Even Bush laughed. Although uncomfortably.

Cheney was at his Chesapeake Bay vacation home in Maryland about 30 miles outside Washington where, serving as the "acting president" Saturday morning for two hours and five minutes, he ordered the approval of more than $500 billion in Halliburton contracts in Iraq be approved for "fresh Turkeys."

Bush reclaimed his Presidential authority at 9:21 a.m. on Saturday and returned to watching reruns of All in the Family.

One newspaper reported, "The surest sign of that was Bush's plan for Saturday afternoon: a bike ride through the wooded hills of the presidential retreat." Of course, they did not mentioned that he was riding his bicycle without a seat on it, hoping to minimize Cheney's influence.


Thursday, July 12, 2007

Blackmailer of New JerseyBeauty Queen Amy Polumbo launches official campaign to expose more embarrasing photos

The anonymous blackmailer of Miss New Jersey Amy Polumbo -- who distributed embarassing photographs of the beauty queen -- launched a campaign to unmask the embarassing moments of other "role models."

Refusing to identify his or her real identity, and only going by the title "lowlife scumbag," the blackmailer eleased other photos of celebrities demanding they, too, resign from office:

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California, posing with two California pyramids

Barack Obama, posing on the front cover of a disgracefully disgusting biased magazine

Nancy Pelosi in a Hijab that doesn't have a pocket for a cell phone -- so retro!

George W. Bush with Henry Kissinger -- we're not sure which of these liars should be more embarrassed

Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter, who is the bigger racist pig? Just being in a photo is embarrassing

Friday, May 4, 2007

Israelis defend use of rubber bullets, then withdraw press release

Israeli leaders and Jewish American activists defended the use of rubber bullets at last week's protests, and issued the following statement.

"Rubber bullets are a humane way to respond to peaceful insurgencies from terrorist sympathizing criminals and non-Jews in Palestine," the leaders said in a joint statement after the protest.

But as they were reading the statement, an aide rushed into the room and pointed out that the rubber bullets were used not in Palestine last week against the usual suspects of peaceful Palestinian protestors and Nobel Peace Prize winners, but rather at supporters of immigration reform in Los Angeles, where dozens of people were injured there, too.

"Ah, we want to point out that the rubber used in the bullets against bloodthirsty Palestinian terrorist murderers Jew-hating anti-Semites and celebrators of Sept. 11 with dancing and handing out candies who kill their own people and celebrate death by dressing up babies as martyrs and suicide bombers ... (pause) ... are not the same as the unjustified rubber bullets used to squelch a peaceful protest of Mexicans in Los Angeles last week. There is a difference!"

Monday, April 30, 2007

Hamas militants win Bir Zeit college campus elections, declares one state solution plan

The Hamas organization swept through student elections at Biz Zeit University this week, pushing aside challenges from moderates who advocate a two-state solution, and endorsing those who advocate a one state solution aptly titled: "Israel, no Palestine," or the Hamas INP One State Solution Plan, also dubbed the INP-OSSP, or, as many have already figured out, sounds incredibly close to the American expression, "Impossible!"

In celebrating their election victory, Hamas members fired guns in the air, killing tens of innocent doves that were flying over head. And, the Hamas leaders also declared a special day of thanks to their founder.

Of course, students were immediately confused as to whether Hamas was refering to the late Sheik Ahmed Yassin who was murdered by non-suicide Israeli helicopter pilots missile attacks as he was leaving a mosque being pushed out of the prayer service in his wheelchair where he had been confined for years as a paraplegic unable to move or walk. Or, bystanders wondered if Hamas was actually celebrating another pair of terrorist leaders, Yitzhak Shamir, the former head of the Stern Gang, and Ariel Sharon, who is now being used as the portrait on a new "Subway can make you thin" advertising campaign to promote the opening of 500 Indian-Urdu owned Subway Sandwich shops throughout Israel.

"Hey, if it wasn't for Shamir and Sharon, the "SS" of Israeli terrorism, Sheik Yassin could never have raised all that money in the 1970s under the umbrella of the Islamic Association and the Village League system, and then they would not have been able to push out the secular losers working for Arafat, and then they would never have been able to arm Hamas during the first few months of the first Intifada, which began for reasons no one really seems to remember because the list of martyrs is now more than 7,894 pages long and growing," said one former Fatah lieutenant whose son is a member of the secular wing of the al-Aqsa Martyr's Brigade, the "Christian Palestinians for Self-Destruction" unit.

Hamas said that once it takes over all of the universities, they next step will be to tackle the enemy at cafes and dance clubs. "Next year we'll do it right in Beirut," Hamas leaders cheered!


Iranian President Ahmadinejad bans Western haircuts; makes cover of Mad Magazine

Iranian President Ahmadinejad declared Monday that all Western style haircuts will be banned and that Iranian men will be required to get only one haircut, the "Ahmadinejad Comeover."

The Iranian President's declaration banning Western syle haircuts including spikes, tapers, graphix, slants, slopes, angles, friz, Afros, green and purple dyed, and the "Britney Spears bald" look.

The Britney Spears Bald look, called "The Iranian Smoothie," was growing in popularity in Tehran among younger Iranians after the Western Rock Pop star went berserk and started flashing without undergarments. Her actions prompted many Iranians to observe, "Man, she is so crazeeeeeee, she must be I-ranian."

President Ahmadinejad even declared Britney Spears to be a "National Treasure," saying, "The corrupt and decadent Western culture forced Britney to do this. She is a National treasure. We love blond White women. They make the best second wives. It's all about rebound sex."

The Iranian Parliament, also called the Assylum in Farsi, endorsed Ahmadinejad's declaration, although there was a fierce debate on whether or not the official Iranian haircut should be Ahmedinejad's hair style of a closely cropped Donald Trump comeover, or the style preferred by the late Ayatollah Khomeini, but no one could find a picture of Khomeini's head without the Tarboush on it.

Mad Magazine, which distributes editions in Iran under a special Farsi name, "We're Crazy MudderF'ers," declared Ahmedinejad "Man-iac of the Year."

The Iranian Assylum also declared that anyone arrested and convicted of wearing an unauthorized haircut would have the haircut extended to the shoulders.

Of course, Offmyrocker MullahMullah, the spokesman for the Iranian Assylum, later clarified the new law saying, "Of course, we made a slight mistake. If you are arrested, you are convicted, so the language should read 'anyone arrested wearing an unauthorized haircut' will be headed."

# # #

Friday, April 27, 2007

Indian judge orders death sentence against Gere and slavery sale to Shetty in public kissing fiasco

An Indian Judge ordered that American Actor Richard Gere be shot after he publicly laid a wet one on Hindu starlet Shilpa Shetty during a rally to raise awareness of AIDs.

During the same court hearing, Judge Pastel "Paddy" Patel issued an order to release a man charged with murdering his two daughters allegedly after he heard rumors that a man in another Indian city had posted a comment about the daughters on Facebook calling them "hot looking in Saris."

The judge said that Gere's kiss was an insult to Indian tradition and culture because Shetty is "a national treasure. Kind of like a possession of all Indian men." The man who killed his two daughters, the judge said, did so to protect his honor, which is the highest honor in Urdu culture.

Shetty had achieved stardom when she was named the winner of the British reality show “Celebrity Big Brother.” Shetty out-performed a fellow contestant, Jade Goody, who sparked international headlines by allegedly making racist comments about Shetty and her Indian heritage.

Mobs took to the streets of India to denounce Goody and threatened to burn the Big Brother House to salty assed ground. Shetty was named the winner in the competition.


Bush announces arrest of former top supporter of al-Qaeda leader Saddam Hussein

(AP/Washington D.C., April 27, 2007) -- The top military commander in Iraq, Gen. David Petraeus, warned Friday that a US troop pullback this fall would interfere with quarterly profit reports for Halliburton to help boost the American Economy.

Petraeus had previously announced that the U.S. Military had captured a top al-Qaeda commander, someone that officials said had helped give monetary and logistical support to former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. Petraeus released photos of the prisoner, but the photos were quickly withdrawn when an Iraqi civilian noticed that the pictures resembled former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. The news was timed to influence the Congressional vote on funding and a timetable for American soldiers.

Before Petraeus could prevent the media from publishing the photos and the claim on Thursday, Rumsfeld issued a statement acknowledging that he in fact met with Saddam Hussein prior to and during the war with Iraq, and that he provided funding and also military secrets to assist in the war effort.

Rumsfeld explained that he withdrew support for Saddam Hussein when it became clear that the United States needed a Middle East dictator to exploit as a target to promote warmongering among voters during the 1988 presidential election campaign.

"How else do you think we knew with certainty that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction?" Rumsfeld told an AP reporter. "We gave him the WMDs. He hid them. Why else would we have him murdered, err, sentenced, convicted and executed?"


Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Israelis celebrate independence with new citizenship label for Arabs

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud "Behind" Olmert announced that from now own Jews who are citizens of Israel would be referred to as "Jews," and all non-Jew citizens of Israel would be referred to as "Jew-ish."

"I think it is time that we clarified the true being of who is a Jew," said Olmert, who may be "ehud" in his own polls but is "behund" in most polls, drawing only 2 percent popularity, plus or minus 5 points.

"If you are Israeli and not a real Jew, then from now on, you will be called Jew-ish."

Olmert said the distinction is necessary because voters in many American states where using the term "Jewish" as an alternative for "Jew-like" in describing American politicians who pander to the AMerican Jew vote.

Asked if the change might create some awkwardness, "because calling Americans who are Jews 'Jew Americans' sounds rather harsh," Olmert replied, "It's about time Americans repaid us for all that we have been doing to help their country."

Immediately, Hameed Barbarawi, the spokesmen for Hamas said, "We denounce this anti-Semantics game of rheto ..." Barbarawi was not able to complete the sentence as he was immediately assassinated by Israeli agents at the press conference. Barbarawi was immediately replaced as Hamas spokesman by Abdul Ghafer Massuci, who said, "What Hameed Barbarawi was trying to say was that ..." And Massuci was immediately killed by Israeli agents, too. Massuci's successor, former U.S. President Jimmy Carter, continued the press conference by saying, "Whoa you Heeb bastards. I'm not an Ay-rab. I'm a peanut farmer. I just wrote one book you Jews hate and all of a sudden I',m your worst enemy. I hand you Egypt and Sadat on a platter and this is what I get just for saying the Apar ..." And Carter was immediately assassinated by the Israeli secret service, known as the SLAVATSKIS in honor of the founder of the Iranian secret service the SAVAK.

Olmert denied havign Carter killed, but explained, "If he were killed and if we did it, chances are the anti-Semitic peanut farmer deserved it. The word 'apartheid' is a heinous misuse of the English language and we reject it. We reject Carter. We reject the word apartheid. But, we do support peace with the Pales ..." and Olmert was assassinated by the Israel secret police.


Monday, April 23, 2007

Sheryl Crow and Karl Rove duke it out at Reporter's Grid Iron

Presidential Adviser Karl Rove and singer Sheryl Rove got into a tiff recently at the Washington Reporter's Grid Iron dinner. Rove was sitting with Bush as Crow performed her new Cadillac Hit Song "Everyday is a Winding Road."

During the performance, Rove started singing his own rendition fo the same song, "Everday he's a lying Rove" interrupting the Crow performance, and prompting her to come to the table and exchange heated words.

Below is the audio tape of the Rove-Bush conversation and Rove's signing performance from the table.


U.S. builds Walls to end suffering, homelessness and poverty

President Bush awarded a $27 billion contract to Halliburton to construct "Concrete Compassion Barriers" to help solve the nation's many social problems. Bush said the idea came from the Wall that the Russian's built after World War II to strengthen Communism and prevent Communism from spreading to the West.

Although the Berlin Wall was torn down by "radical fanatic extremists," Bush said, the message that it created cannot die. The Wall concept was immediately adopted by Israel as a means of annexing unused Palestinian lands, and to help Palestinians "better socialize," explained former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who today's lives as a legend in his own mind.

Bush then ordered a Wall to be built along the U.S.-Mexican borders to "keep out thosewetbacks," according to Vice President Dick Cheney, who later denied the comment saying he was merely repeating a comment made by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, "who is Black and can say those things about other black people." The Wall has worked perfectly to help Mexican immigrants address their economic needs and allow them to practice their grafitti talents before sneaking into the U.S. to vandalize properties in major U.S. cities like Chicago.

This week, Bush ordered Cheney who ordered Rice who ordered David Petraeus who ordered CIA agents working undercover to order Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to order Halliburton to overcharge the U.S. for the construction of a Wall around Sunni and SHi'ite neighborhoods to help distract un0embeded journalists from commplaining about the high price of Playboy Magazines sold by Halliburton-owned military commissaries.

But Maliki denounced the Wall saying that it prevented him from visiting his harems in certain Sunnie neighborhoods under Shi'ite armed guard. "Ah shi'ite," al-Maliki was heard exclaiming when the walls he ordered built failed to include doorways. "Halliburton will charge us five times as much to carve out doors in the new walls."

Bush told members of Congress (a increasingly narrow group of Republicans who like him and need his campaign support) in secret emails that were destroyed by Karl "Karl Marx" Rove that he hoped to apply the Wall -- err, barrier concept to American social problems.

"Imagine, if we can build a wall to separate the rich from the poor? The healthy from the sick? The high pockets of Democratic voters in Red states from my Republican bases in those Blue states?" Bush said. "Imagine all the people ... living life alive?"

Aides close to Bush said the president believes that the new Social Walls will be his legacy for America and make them forget about all the lies, exaggerations, his failed service during the Vietnam War and how he undermined peace in the Middle East.

"It's a concrete idea," Cheney told Bush just before ordering Rice to order Petraeus to order Maliki to triple bill for concrete manufacture in Baghdad."

# # #

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Baldwin blasts Rotten Falafel in angry answering machine message

Alec Baldwin, who has been accused of being a stupid cop in fumbled mob crackdowns that have departed, called the Rotten Falafel and left this angry rant on our telephone answering machine. We have called Martin Scorcese demanding protection.

Just some background: Born on April 3, 1958 in Amityville, New York, in the original Amityville Horror Home in which the horror movie is based, Baldwin married actress Kim Basinger after performing together in the 1991 film, The Marrying Man. He later co-stared with Basinger in the remake of The Getaway in 1994. Their first appearance together was The Marrying Man in 1991. Baldwin played the lead role in The Hunt for Red October in 1990. (Why is that important? It was a good movie!)

Baldwin's marriage to Basinger ended, well, "badly." Baldwin and Basinger are engaged in a heated custody battle over their daughter, Ireland, who lives with her mom and in her L.A. home along with 21 animals.

But his most memorable moment was his vow to leave the United States if George W. Bush were re-elected, and become an Arab. Living up to his promise, Baldwin immediately moved to the luxurious Burj al-Arab hotel in Dubai where he lives in luxury with a new harem of women. It was from his hotel room that Baldwin made this phone call to the's HotLine number -- that the scumbags tried to steal from us. Those bastard raghead m-fers!

BELOW: Baldwin Rant on telephone answering machine: from his luxurious hotel suite at the Burj al-Arab hotel in Dubai:


Thursday, April 19, 2007

Rightwing talkshows hosts defend guns and blame users

"Guns don't kill people. The lying Arab, Asian, Moslem Mohammaden hordes of immigrant bastards kill people," declared rightwing talk show hosts hoping to redirect American public opinion to "focus on the hatred of people, not the love of gun control."

Virginia Tech killer and NBC Netwotk TV fan Cho Seung-Hui may have used guns to kill his 32 student victims, but it was the "fanaticism of terrorists" who put the bullet in the gun barrel.

"A gun us merely a garden tool without a bullet," sighed Bill O'Reilly, who clearly jealous that the killer didn't send his Martyrdom Package to him. In fact, O'Reilly blasted NBC News for signing the UPS receipt accepting the package, "especially since it had the name of a fanatic Muslim on the no-fly list on it." The package was mailed by Cho Seung-Hui who used the name "A. Ishmael" as the sender.

Sean Hannity, not to be outdone in hatred, declared that "if we sold more guns to people, the students would have fought back the way Americans have fought back against oppression and discrimination and racism in the past."

Televangelists said they deplored the killings, and asked their viewers to please send them more money so they could purchase bullet-proof glass windows for their stretch limousines, multiple penthouses, and crystal ceiling mirrors for their bedrooms offices.

NBC officials insisted that in accepting Cho Seung-Hui hate package, the did not put the bullet in the gun.

# # #

ASK FATIMAH: Boyfriend's been acting weird lately; what to do?

Dear Fatimah:

My "boyfriend" has been actuing weird lately, making videos, photographs and writing 1,800 word manifestos, screaming about the news media, racism and his professors at school. I've tried everything an Arab girl can do, including promising him the promise of sex -- we kiss -- and making him maftool, his favorite dish. Yet, he seems like he is getting angrier and angrier. Is this something I should worry about?

Signed, Yasmeen

Dear Yasmeen:

Yes, you should be worried. Anytime an Arab boy doesn't get mesmerized by the promise of sex, he's off the deep end, or seeing an Amrekeeyan bitch! Does he work at his dad or uncle's grocery store. A sure sign he's getting some in the pasta aisle. Paint your face Black, put on some designer jeans and disguise yourself. If you want to know how to talk Eubonics, watch and listen to Paula Abdul on American Idol and pick up a few pointers. Then, go to the store, find your boyfriend, and ask him for help finding the Condoms, because you heard they are helpful.

See what happens. Insha'allah the truth will appear.

Oh. You don't attend Virginia Tech, do you? I'd hate for this to get out that you sought help, didn't get it. God forbid in our society people take responsibility for their own failures and they will say I didn't do enough. Smallah!


Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Sanjaya ousted in suspicious FOX TV coup from American Idol

Fans of Sanjaya Malakar said the teenage walking hairdo and star of FOX TV's American Idol was ousted from the competition Wednesday night in what fans across the world insisted was a right-wing conspiracy against minorities because of the post-traumatic stress syndrome stemming from the aftermath of the Virginia Tech massacres.

Simon Cowell said he was happy Sanjaya was ousted, saying, "there is room for only one troll on this program and she's sitting right here next to me."

In reading the decison to oust Sanjaya, Seacrest said, "You go, girl!"

The evidence that the FOX program's results are faked is that Seacrest never gave out the actual vote count for Sanjaya and only explained that 38 million people had voted. How did they vote, Seacrest you lying whimp?

As Sanjaya departed, members of the American Idol audience cried out in the Urdu language, "Sanjaya is more of a man than you will ever be, Seacrest!"

After the show ended, the Rotten Falafel ended its hunger strike and ordered a large plate of stuffed grape leaves, which was quickly consumed.

# # #

NBC Logos mysteriously appear on killers terror package videos, photos

The Justice Department is investigating how a pakage of terror tapes, videos and photographs sent by Virginia Tech killer Cho Seung-Hui to NBC TV ended up with the logos of the NBC station embedded in them.

Republicans, who have been the target of NBC investigations, immediately accused the news station of being the "American version of al-Jazeera."

"Why would a terrorist send materials to a news station like NBC unless that news station was somehow involved?" asked Vice President Dick Cheney, who went into hiding minutes after Seung-Hui's attacks began. When told that the college administrators were being criticized for failing to send out text notices warning students about the first attack, Cheney responded, "Who said they didn't send out a notice. I got one."

Republican leaders, and rightwing Americans have blasted the Arabic language Arab World satellite news station because anti-American terrorist groups have sent al-Jazeera their own packages of photographs, videos and propaganda statements.

One news pundit was overheard asking, "Maybe the fact that a killer sends information to a news outlet has nothing to do with whether or not the station is sympathetic to the terrorists."

Cheney denounced the pundit as "anti-American," and the pundit was arrested by the FBI and accused of "terrorism conspiracy."

NBC News officials said they immediately -- within two hours of receiving them --- turned the Terror Package from Seung-Hui to the FBI; the photos and videos mysteriously made it to every major news outlet in Amnerica. And they said they were shocked to see that every photo rebroadcast on CBS, ABC and even the FOX Cable News Network had the NBC logos in the upper lefthand corners of the videos, photographs and notes sent by Seung-Hui.

Meanwhile, Wall Street reported that the print and broadcast news media organizations were reporting higher profits. "We haven't seen a rise in profits like this since, well, the oil industry last week when gas prices jumped 65 cents at the pump for no apparent reason," a Wall Street Analyst reported.

He added, "The mass murders came at an awkwardly convenient time for us." They pushe dup ratings and showed how important the mainstream media is to the American people. No one watches good news. If it bleeds it leads and nothing is leading more than the Virginian Tech murders."

He was immediately arrested by the FBI and charged with "terrorism conspiracy, too."

Even Democrats conceded the killings came at a bad time as President Bush was able to pretend again that he is a leader by offering prayers and other self-serving opportunities to pretend he's not a complete moron. The Senate Judiciary Committee postponed hearings on whether or not U.S. Attorney Alberto Gonzales did order the firing of key prosecutors who were not tougher on Democratic targets.

Asked about the massacres, Gonzales aides responded with one word, "Whew!"


Monday, April 16, 2007

Rotten Falafel Goes on HUNGER STRIKE to protest anti-Sanjaya bigotry and discrimination

Sanjaya Malakar for President. If Barack Obama? Why not Sanjaya Malaker?

They are already calling Sanjaya Malakar "The Prophet." The "Messiah." The man with the golden fleece and non-White racist American colored skin who is a hero to billions of oppressed minorities and individuals excluded from the closed-door, private country clubs of American power.

I refuse to eat in protest of the bigotry and bias and anti-Sanjaya hatred being spewed in the American media.

"American Idol" is supposed to be a contest in which Americans choose who is the best entertainer. Yet, there is a clear campaign to prevent Sanjaya from taking his crown with producers at the FOX Network Show threatening to "boot that skinny minny" off the stage with all his dark-skin glory. "We already took one for Imus," a White corporate executive at Fox Network announced this week. "We ain't taken one for that San-Jeyeee-Ya!"

Howard Stern IS God and if he declares that Sanjaya Malakar is a Saint, then why not? The Catholics declare Saints all the time. In fact, it's "All Saints America."

What is Talent but that which impresses and excites the majority of people. I suppose you plan to build a Wall around American Idol, and prevent any dark skinned contestants from getting through, declaring Sanjaya Malakar an "illegal immigrant contestant."

This is real reality TV baby! Really!

# # #

Catholic University declares Jewish professor seeking tenure dead in Holocaust debate

Officials of DePaul University, an extension of the Catholic Church which turned its back on Jews during World War II and the Nazi regime and was complicit in the Holocaust, said it would not grant tenure to a Jewish professor, Norman Finklestein, because they questioned his "Jewishness."

"Is he a 'Jew' or is he just 'Jewish'?" asked a DePaul University official when Finklestein's application for tenure was submitted. "We are concerned that this Finklestein is not a real Jew and therefore has no place being promoted in an American institution. We subscribe to the policy that individuals who support Palestinian causes have no right to hold any jobs in America. This is a free country and we can do whatever we want. Who is this guy Finklestein anyway? I've never met him."

A man claiming to be Finklestein has written several books including one in which he argued that American Jews have used the Holocaust to beat the crap out of anyone who criticizes Israel. Quoting from Finklestein's book, "To Jew or not to Jew, that is the Question," Finklestein wrote, "This argument has been used many times in defense of criminal behavior and was in fact used in the O.J. Simpson trial as a defense, that Simpson said he killed Goldman because, he was a Jew."

Finklestein, who remains elusive appearing in disguise at pro-Palestinian choir practices, also wrote that the Holocaust did happen" angering Jewish leaders who said no speaker at a Palestinian event has the right to do anything in America.

DePaul officials released a letter dated June 7, 1967 in which Finklestein allegedly wrote, "I am in de Nile!"

Finkelstein controversy causes Arab panic:

The Al-AWDA movement, named after the Bedouin Sheik played by Anthony Quinn in the Historical Movie "Lawrence of Arabia," Auda abu Tayi, or "al-AWDA" as he was often called, issued a press release demanding the release of Finklestein.

But like all al-AWDA releases, it didn't get circulated past it's small circle of loud-mouthed activist members and was read by no one of any significance. Said al-AWDA, "The Jews did it!"

Other Arab American organizations also joined in the chorus of protest. The American Arab Discrimination Committee (AADC) issued a statement saying, "Ah! Israel did it." The Arab Institute of American Institutionalism (AIAI) issued a statement, stealing the thunder from the AADC statement, which read, "Ah huh!" As a result of the squabble, five new Arab American organizations seeking to protect victims of discrimination were formed and launched membership campaigns among the members of the other organizations.

At which point leaders of AADC and the AIAI began calling each other names, organizing meetings with the White House in the hopes of keeping the other group excluded, and sent out mailers denouncing each other, prompting al-AWDA to release another release that no one read, stating, "The World Zionist Conpsiracy is a major conspiracy behind all of the great conspiracies around the world. Down with the Shah. Down with oppression. The beoble united will never be defeated. Ho ho? Imus must go." They ended with their traditional trademarked slogan, "The Jews did it'!"

Angry that no one published any of their press releases, al-AWDA, the AADC Aand AIAI issued a joint statement declaring, "We believe Israel is behind the kidnapping of BBC reporter Alan Johnston, and if he has been killed, they did it." Upon which, all of the Arab organizations agreed to be friends again.

# # #

Friday, April 13, 2007

Wolfie Wolfowitz says Saudi girlfriend was worth "every riyal"

Paul "Wolfie" Wolfowitz, the 61 year old married father of three who was named head of the World Bank as reward for developing the strategy that has placed American soldiers in such a winning position in Iraq, apologized for giving his Saudi girlfriend and "partner" promotions, pay increases and her own designer stapler at her World Bank job.

Wolfowitz tried to explain to a conference hall of World Bank officials and employees that he always lavishes his targets of affection with whatever gifts might be available, rather than pay for things out of his own pocket, saying that's what every frugal moneygrubbing banker should be doing, too. "Make the customers pay for the benefits we -- err, I enjoy."

But the thousands of World Bank employees booed Wolfowitz, with one yelling, "Why her, Brute? Why not meeeeeeeee?" Apparently, Wolfowitz's practices caused a rift among his employees who all felt they earned the right of his personal favors.

The controversy began when it became public knowledge that Wolfowitz personally intervened to secure a substantial pay raise for his girlfriend Shaha Riza, a bank employee, after Wolfowitz was first appointed president in 2005. Salaries at the bank are "tax free."

Riza's salary jumped wildly and ecstatically in screams of joy and bliss from an impoverished $132,660 to "only" $193,590.

Bank rules forbid couples from working together -- promtping Wolfowitz' defenders to argue, "They definitely were not working together!" Of course, the World Bank is supposed to also help poor countries, but instead has become the muscle behind Western imperialistic policies to force impoverished Third World countries to support US Policy at the United Nations.

The controversy surfaced last week when Wolfowitz used the same "Best Practice Strategies" that he used to lay the solid foundation for the invasion and War in Iraq. Asked about the violation of bank policy, Wolfowitz lied through his canines. And, he did so in a written memo that also made mention of aluminum tubing used by Saddam Hussein to build nuclear weapons.

As he always does, Wolfowitz blamed the problem on others, wondering aloud, "Is this all you can think about when Don Imus is calling beautiful Nubian basketball players nappy-headed hos? My God, I would have given those babes $300,000 pay raises had they played ball for me!"

# # #

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Top 10 News Stories this week

10. -- Don Imus loses major advertisers after referring to members of Rutger's female basketball team as "nappy-headed hos." But, a spokesman for Kotex said that as long as Imus has a mouth, they intend to offer their services.

9. -- MSNBC Host Glenn Beck admits in interview with the Rotten Falalfel that he is jealous of the Imus controversy. "He was nothing but a nappy-headed prune-faced duffus and then this. Now he's huge. There are so many White racists out there who didn't know him. I've actually seen much of my audience flock to his shows. I'm looking to insult a Black person, too. Obviously, slamming Arabs and Muslims has no impact. It's fun, but it doesn't create a blip on the ratings at all. Kharra!"

8. -- The Arab League announced it will amend its peace plan to Israel, which Israel rejected as "without detail." Amr Mousa, the League's spokesman-for-life, responded that the offer to recognize Israel included some key concessions, including: waving hello in the hallway of the United Nations; allowing Israeli diplomats to use Arab-only bathrooms at the U.N. which feature bidets for men; we'll even compromise and say "slalom" when we pass them in the hall. "What more could they want?"

7. -- President Bush, in response to Democratic control Congress action to block funding for America's illegal and alone invasion of Iraq, declared members of the Democratic leadership were "terrorist non-combatants" and therefore had no standing in American or international law. He ordered Karl Rove to order Dick Cheney to order Alberto Gonzales to immediately arrest all of the Congressional Democrats.

6. -- American Generals in Baghdad declared that they are "whining" the war on terrorism, saying that fatalities listed as Iraqi civilians would not be included in totals for "terrorists killed in action," or TKAs. "We're not winning yet, but we are a few letters away."

5. -- Maj. Gen. William Caldwell, head of the American controlled Iraqi forces, accused Iran's Ahmedinejad of "training Iraqis on the use of roadside bombs, known as EFPs, or explosively formed penetrators." To which Ahmedinejad immediately responded by accusing American forces of using "wedgies" to torture Iranian captives.

4. -- Hamas leader and Palestinian Prime Minister Ismael Haniyeh declared that Israel is responsible for blocking an agreement to release captured Israeli soldier Cpl. Gilad Shalit. Haniyeh said Israel rejected Hamas' "most generous offer": the release of 6,500 Palestinian prisoners, new parts for the Mercedes limousines Haniyeh's government inherited from the prior Fatah government, and, Israeli assistance in preventing Western entertainers "from coming into the Palestinian territories and corrupting the beobles." Said Haniyeh, "The biggest threat we have today are nargilas (sheesha pipes), dancing and happiness. No happiness!"

3. -- Hajabeany, Inc., the largest producers of Hijabs for Muslim women (and Iraqi soldiers fleeing arrest), announced the release of the new Hijab-a-phone, which features a pocket next to their ears where they can place a cell phone to keep their hands free. "In our research, we discovered Arab women need their hands free to not only keep their 15 children in line (an average) but also to push away unwanted solicitations from Arab men." The Hijab-a phones go on sale in time for Ramadan, and will come in all sizes and two colors, black and blue.

2. -- Researchers in the United Kingdom released a new study touted on YnetNews and other Israeli news sites proving that "Jews are smarter than gentiles." Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert said it was nice to know that he was more popular than someone, and added, "Like we needed a study to tell us what we already know that from the way we control the American media, congress and sale of Matzo Crackers at Wal-Mart?"

1. -- New York Times Columnist Thomas Friedman announced the release of a new book titled the "Lexus and the Broken Down Volkswagon," a study in disparity and despair in the media influences between Israel and the Arab World.

# # #

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

ASK FATIMAH: How does a good Arab girl respond to email solicitations?

Dear Fatimah:

I just opened, ya'ani, my first Hotmail account. I chose hotmail, ya'ani, to upset Baba. He thinks Hotmail, ya'ani, is a place where, ya'ani, you meet guys. I want to meet guys like David Hasselhoff, who, ya'ani, I have seen in that Great Satan TV show my Baba always watches, Baywitch. Ya'ani, I am concerned Baba will smother me, ya'ani, when I am sleeping, to preserve his, ya'ani, honor. I was about to explain to him, ya'ani, that the free Hotmail email account is not about sex. He think's "Hot Male" is a bad, wissich (filthy) site, ya'ani. But before I did, ya'ani, I received several emails to my new HotMale account from people offering to, ya'ani, enlarge my penis. Now, I don't have a penis. At least I don't think I do. Baba is always yelling at me, ya'ani, and praying for blessing on my 15 brothers, ya'ani, who I know why my brothers have penis's. (Did I spell penis's, ya'ani, correctly. I don;t know that.) Actually, I am not sure what a penis really is, ya'ani, as a good Arab girl who aspires to be one of the 72, PBUH(er). Yet, I think penis has something to do with sex. I know that my parents have cut and friend lamb penis in the past, or maybe that was mussarene (lamb intestine). Anyway, ya'ani, my question is, ya'ani, is Baba right or am I wrong? And, is Hasselhoff married? Can he have four wives.


"Aspiring to be the 4th wife"

Dear "Habeela."

Did your Baba give you that name or are you just stupid? Anyway, can you stop saying "ya'ani?" Ya'ani, it's making me, ya'ani, dizzy.
Hasselhoff is married. A penis has nothing to do with sex at all. It's the thing that separates men from women. Sex is something you will learn from a teacher, the mailman, if you get mail delivered in Bethlehem, and from the priests. Eventually, you will learn to hate your husband's penis but he will give it to some "nappy-haired hos" at his south side grocery store, anyway.
The emails about extending your penis are called Spam. That's a food I have heard is made out of chicken penis and cartilage. I don't know. I've never seen a penis either. Of course, I am wife number 4 in my family, so by the time it comes to me, no pun intended, it's pretty much disappeared from view. If I were you, I would enjoy Baywatch as long as you can.

FOX News anchor threatened by Pakistanis with Fatwa

A storm of controversy has hit Pakistan as clerics there became confused when they thought they saw Pakistani Tourism Minister Ms. Nilofer Bakhtiar touching a man's rearend. But it turned out to be mistake involving confusion over the broadcast of the FOX News Network on Pakistan's "People's Channel."

But apparently, new satellite TV's supplied by Halliburton under the "free the Pakistani oppressed" campaign, had poor internal circuitry and the religious clerics were instead watching the FOX TV News Network, which most Pakistani Clerics said looked "uncanningly like the state run TV network."

In fact, what the clerics saw was gorgeous FOX News Anchor Rudi Bakhtiar, a very distant relative of the Pakistani Tourism Minister, who did place her hands on FOX News loudmouth Sean Hannity's face, which looks like a cellulite-racked Ass. In fact, Hannity is often called a "big Ass" so the confusion lingered for days.

In fact, The Tourism Minister Bakhtiar did place her hand on a man who participated in a parachute jump organized by an aid group in France that helps victims of the earthquakes that devastated parts of her country in 2005 and was immediately denounced by a group of Pakistani clerics. Observers quickly pointed out that the FOX News would never raise money for people in need, let alone the French.

The New York Slimes added to the confusin when it reported, "After the photograph of Ms. Bakhtiar was published, incensed radical clerics and some other conservative Pakistanis latched onto the opportunity not only to criticize her but also to attack General Musharraf for what he calls his approach of 'enlightened moderation.' The pictures, in their view, violated acceptable moral norms in this Muslim country."

Meanwhile, the "Council of Islamic Clerics and Cross-Dressers" announced they were also recommeding that a Pakistani man accused of murdering a prostitute (whom he admitted he slept with) should be honored with special merit. The man, Shanty "The Pak" Paddywaddy, of Islamabad, said the prostitute cheated him out of 15 rubles. He was immediately invited to be the keynote speaker at a fundraiser organized by the Pakistani Secret Police, (who are unofficially referred to as "al-Qaeda" and serve as the bodyguards to Pakistani President Pervert Musharref) to raise Halliburton embezzled monies to build a retirement home for suicide bombers.

Paddywaddy had been convicted two years earlier of murdering his two daughters, whom he slept with and later accused them of sexual impropriety in violation of Shari'a Laws. He had spent five months watching Baywatch Reruns on the Lebanese Satellite Channel LBC under provisions of the Big Boob Fatwa, which is also popular in Jordan and parts of Egypt.

# # #

Iraq Invasion fake: Staged like Lunar Landing Muqtada al-Sadr says after Exorcism

Muqtada al-Sadr -- former speech writer for President Bush, the gumad of Karl Rove and ex-President of the Dick Cheney Fan and Rifle Club -- declared today that the American Invasion of Iraq symbolized by the toppling of the statue of Saddam Hussein in Baghdad was staged and fake "just like we all know the lunar landing was staged and faked, too, ya khiyyan."

Al-Sadr, better known to his followers as "The Mook," spoke to a small gathering of 750,000 Iraqis at a Tail Gaiting Party originally planned to celebrate the American game victory over the Axis of Evil Football League. Al-Sadr said in his best broken English, "We tired cheap Amreekiyyeen cigarettes. No Johnny Paycheck from Halliburton. Condoleezza Rice has breath like dead goat."

Confused Iraqi followers and survivors of the American led occupation cheered anyway.

The Mook raised his hands in the air and began an exorcism to "remove the American Evil from the axis" as wild-eyed whirling dervish followers spun around consumed in white tablets of ecstasy. His supporters raised the statue of Saddam Hussein and restored it to its original base in Baghdad. The tearing down of the Saddam statue by American soldiers 4 years ago and then re-edited on video to make it look like cheering Iraqis had pulled the Saddam Golden Goat down, was carefully cemented back in place.

The Mook then conducted an exorcism to expunge the American filth from the Iraqi homeland. "We weren't beheading anyone. We were just trying to recreate that famous scene from the movie The Exorcist," The Mook explained to his flaks who scribbled down his every broken word in sanskrit.

When the opening ceremonies ended, The Mook then officially opened the Shiite-Sunni-American Occupation pre-game tailgate party, using an American Flag to light the first of thousands of barbecues. A few of the vehicles exploded, and some celebrants charred the falafel, but The Mook later said, "Hakalaka. Hakalaka. Rivkah Hakalakah." No one in the audience understood what the hell The Mook was talking about, and they just continued in their celebrations.

The Mook then announced that Oliver Stone had signed a four-movie deal to explore the parallels between the staged lunar landing and the staged Saddam Hussein Statue toppling, to be called "The Parallax View II."

# # #

Monday, April 9, 2007

Imus says he's just a sick muppet, apologizes for "nappy headed hos" remark

Nappy-headed radio talkshow ho Don Imus said he is sorry for picking on the wrong people when he called the Black female members of the Rutgers University women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos."

Imus said he is known for slandering all non-white people all the time on his nationally syndicated radio show, which is also simulcast on MSNBC. "How come Glenn Beck can slander non-white people and no one cares?"

But Imus quickly issued a mea culpa when Black leaders across the country demanded he be fired.

"Oh crap. I didn't know those nappy-headed hos actually listen to my radio show. Damn. I didn't know those people can afford radios or TVs. I never would have said that if I knew they listened to me. I'll go back to picking on Jews and Ay-rabs," Imus said.

Imus added, "Here's what I've learned: that you can't make fun of everybody, because some people don't deserve it. ... I'm a good person, but I said a bad thing."

Officials at MSNBC said they won't cancel Imus unless protests by Sharpton and the Rev. Jesse Jackson can actually undercut his popularity among stupid White People who like to watch a man who is a deadringer for a diseased muppet, who wears a cowboy hat and who speaks with a stupid southern accent. One MSNBC official said, "Well, we can't fire Imus. He's White. We don't do that kind of thing in America."

Imus also said he would repent in an interview on the afternoon talk show hosted by Black Rev. Al Sharpton who Imus once called "that nappy-haired ho."

Imus immediately received letters of support from David Duke, the Rev. Franklin Graham, the Rev. Jerry Falwell, and from the Rev. Jesse Jackson, who explained that he always tries to play both sides of an argument for personal gain. Iranian President Ahmedinejad also issued a statement in support of Imus saying, "Hakalajka, abu-mabumboo. Imus, funny ugly man. He make good wife someday. He one big beyoitch!"

# # #

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Israeli Arab Knesset member Bishara exposed as rightwing American talk show host Savage

In an exclusive report, The Drudge report reported that Arab member of the Knesset Azmi Bishara is really rightwing radio talk show host Michael Savage (Weiner). Matt Drudge, who exposed the Monica Lewinski-Bill Clinton affair, said that the exposure of Bishara as a fake rightwing fanatic will force him to resign his post in the Knesset.

"Bishara is Savage and Savage is Bishara," Drudge declared on his popular web page.

Read Savage's bio and background? Go there?

Read Azmi Bishar's bio? Go there?

Drudge said it is his goal to expose the phony rightwing fanatics who are hiding in liberal clothing, like Bishara. "I've been reading Bishara loing enough to know that he is a fake. His angry words that get published in the unknowing Arab World media (an oxymoron) are fake and intended to create a false Zionist conspiracy," Druge said in his five page long column referenced on the Huffington Post on Easter.

In contrast, Drudge said, Savage is a fake conservative. "Just look at their pictures. If Azmi Bishara isn't Michael Savage, I will eat my computer chips and turn my column and web site over to Ann Coulter, who everyone knows is the anorexic sister of Lesbian rights champion and carpet muncher Rosie O'Donnell."

# # #

Olmert reconsiders strategy after polls show him at only 2 percent

One year after his centrist Kadima Party won a quarter of the seats in the Knesset and he became Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert now finds himself more unpopular with Israelis than the late Palestine President Yasir Arafat. Polls show that only 2 percent of Israelis say they trust their premier, two-thirds want him to resign and nearly every Israeli wants new early elections.

In response this week, Olmert announced his knew campaign strategy, "No Passover" in which no possibility to lift his polling will be passed over. Olmert compared his low ratings to Matzo, noting "Jews low flat unleavened bread and that's me." Olmert said he would look towards others who have higher public ratings to help noodge public confidence in his government.

Olmert's first meeting was with besieged Israeli President Moshe Katsav, who, already indicted on one rape charge, is now facing a second rape charge to be filed by Attorney General Meni Mazuz. Since the rape charges were brought, Katsav's popularity has risen, mainly among the growing Russian Jewish immigrant population, which is dominated by unsavory underworld mafia criminal elements and where rape and pillaging is considered a proud cultural tradition.

Olmert met with Katsav to discuss ways in which Olmert can raise his own popularity. "Clearly, filing a second rape charge will only double Katsav's popularity among the Ivans," Olmert said in reference to Russian Jewish voters. "Imagine how that can help me if I can also be charged with something other than bad leadership. I'm not Iranian, like Katsav, so I can expect my popularity to quadruple."

Olmert said one option is to take the advice of Pope Benedict XVI. "The Pope told me that ever since he bashed Islam and Mohammed, his own popularity went up more than 40 percent not just in the Catholic community but among Christians."

The Pope commented later, "Olmert could become a Catholic Saint. He has one miracle under his belt already. He has only 2 percent in a poll that has a plus or minus 5 point margin of error. That could mean that he actually has the support of Negative 3 Percent of the Israeli people. That's either typi"

Olmert also met with his chief rival Benjamin "Nasty" Netanyahu who said the secret to his popularity was not only to be tough with the Arabs, but to always look mean during photo shoots.

Netanyahu suggested that Olmert try the "two-faced" approach that has been so successful for Netanyahu's political career. "You talk peace but act war and refuse to make concessions to the Arabs. Let's be honest. Arabs are just Russia Jews with towels on their heads," Netanyahu advised Olmert.

Netanyahu said he never waivered from his strategy that Israelis can have war and peace at the same time. Later, Netanyahu met with U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi who returned from an effort to recruit the 6 foot 6 inch tall Syrian President Bash-her Ass Assad for the New York Nicks. Prodded by adoring reporters who offered to sleep with him, Netanyahu made his classic "meany face" which has helped him win overwhelming votes from the growingly ugly illiterate Russian mafia and organized crime population in Israel.
"The Netanyahu Meany Face works as well in Israel and in the Shtetle," Netanyahu said, taking three female reporters from Haaretz, Yedioth Ahronoth and the Jerusalem Post to his backroom for "private" interviews.

# # #

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Daylight Savings Time undermines anti-Terrorism program "24"

Terrorists used a Western tradition to undermine the FOX Network Security program "24," confusing terrorist crime fighter Jack Bauer and foiling plans to protect the country from a nuclear attack against Washington D.C.

Jack Bauer failed to protect America, after he was released only 22 hours earlier from a Chinese prison, because he forget to calculate the impact of Daily Savings Time on his 24 Hour plan to save the world from terrorists.

The critical error occurred during hour 23 when Daily Savings Time kicked in, on the west coast, and caused Bauer to fail in his goal

FOX Network TV changed the original script for the show (review the original script by clicking here) and released the following amended script of the anti-Terrorists activities in the final hours:

7:00 P.M.-8:00 P.M. Jack Bauer has broken a nail and mascara is runnign down his right eye, forcing FOX TV executive to send Bauer back to makeup. He runs into Marilyn who reveals that she was having a lesbian affair with Audrey Raines, when she was killed trying to save him from China by sleeping with two of the female Chinese guards. Audrey, Marilyn explained, had an endless series of multiple orgasms that sent her into anaphylactic shock. Jack is distraught, thinking that he could have had a three-some with Audrey and Marilyn, but demands to help CTU bring down the terrorists to avenge Audrey’s death and their cheating him out of a ménage à trois. Despite his disappointment, Jack leads the field ops team to find Gredenko’s men and he is about to land the drone carrying the nuclear weapon.

But the next hour, when Bauer supposedly will bring the nuclear armed drone down, is erased by Daylight Savings Time, and the drone reaches it's target in the next hour, which is really now the prior hour.

8:00 P.M.-9:00 P.M. CANCELLED: Jack was to have apprehended the man obtaining nuclear power plant access for Gredenko. Jack was to have used the man’s autistic brother to lure Gredenko. Gredenko was supposed to give up Fayed in return for full amnesty and the promise he won’t turned over to Russia.

9:00 P.M.-10:00 P.M. Washington D.C. is destroyed. Nancy Pelosi is in Syria when the explosion takles place and she is immediately elected president since every other successor has been incinerated in the nuclear holocaust. Jack and a field team take a wired Gredenko to meet Fayed, but Gredenko goes missing. Gredenko has severed his arm using a Boyscout knife to elude the CTU tracking implant. Jack tails Fayed and Gredenko to a Gay bar, where the patrons have captured Fayed whom they recognize from the news. Jack apprehends Fayed but Gredenko escapes.

Next season, FOX announced it will schedule the 6th Season of "24" so as to avoid overlapping with Daylight Savings Time changes in the future and thereby saves the American people from another terrorist nuclear attack from fanatic Islamic extremist terrorist homiciders.

# # #

ASK FATIMAH: Does the Quran order Men to beat Women?

Dear Fatimah:

Thank ALLAH (PBUH) that you are here to answer our questions. My husband is a devout Muslim and he has never beaten me. But his friend, also a devout Muslim, does beat his wife and wonders why my husband does not beat me. I have read the Qu'ran many times and it does use the word "daraba" to allude to the treatment of women. But someone told me that it does not mean "to beat" as many intepret it. Is this just spin or am I in for a beating soon? Help.


Dear Dalilah:

You have hit hard on an important topic that I have not beaten upon enough in the past.

The word "daraba" means "to beat" in modernday Arabic and in classical Arabic. But in the times of the Prophet Muhammed (PBUH), the word was mainly used as a slang for fornication. Or to screw. To "Daraba" meant to have sex with your wife.

Here is a link to one explanation upon which I base my response, because it is, subhan wa Allah, (PBUH), the truth:

Now, the modernday example of this play on words is the American slang expression "to bang." When you "bang" a woman, you are not beating her. You are fornicating with her. Not you specifically, because that wouldmake you a Lesbian, and you therefore fall under the authority of Hezbollah which controls all Arab Lesbians, and therefore you can be beaten. However, back to the question. "Daraba" in Arabic is much like "to bang" in English. In the Qu'ran, "Daraba" directs Muslim men to sleep with their wives when their wives pwermit it.

To be honest, the first part about whtehr men should beat their wives or sleep with their wives is not the issue, but rather the real concern is the second part, "when their wives permit it." How often do Muslim men actually ask permission of a wife before having sex? With her? Or with one of his grocery store female employees?

By the way, you cannot "daraba" a Muslim women in the sense of a beating, but you can "daraba" a non-Muslim woman.


Palestinian Authority President Abbas urges end to "useless Qassem launchings"

Palestinian Authority President Mahmound Abbas called for an end to the launching of "useless Qassam rockets."

The meaning of his statement became the focus of an internal debate. Apparently, the Abbas quote was reported by YnetNews, which lifted the quote from Haaretz, which took the quote from the Palestinian Wire Service WAFA, which was given the quote by an aide to Abbas who was not at the speech where the statement was reportedly made to graduates of Fatah's security services.

MEMRI, the Middle East Media Research Institute (, led the debate arguing that what Abbas was actually saying was that he opposed useless firings and thereby supported those firing of Qassam rockets that were not useless, or, in MEMRI's report, reached a Jew target across Israel Gaza Strip border.

"Clearly, the terrorist prime minister Abbas is saying that he wants the Hamas to stop firing Qassam rockets that end up being useless by not hitting Jews. Abbas is an anti-Semitic schmuck piece of garbage and we are clear on our translations of translated translations," an official of MEMRI opined.

WAFA then quoted Haaretz which quoted YnetNews which quoted MEMRI as saying that "All Arabs are anti-Semitic and we prove it everyday on our web site, which is funded by the government of Israel."

Asked about the controversy, Abbas said, "I urge an end to useless media reporting." Upon which his comment was quickly analyzed by YnetNews, Haaretz and double checked for typos by WAFA. MEMRI declared even before seeing the source quote, "Clearly, all Arabs are anti-Semitic bastards and that's all we have to say on the topic. We stand by our glory."

# # #

British soldiers confess they performed Broadway play to win release

British troops held hostage by Iran for trespassing into Iranian waters said they survived 13 days of the worst torture they had ever experienced in their lives by singing the lyrics to the Broadway hit "Springtime for Hitler and Germany."

At a press conference after being released, British Royal Marine Capt. Chris Air said he and the others survived by borrowing the red dresses of the Iranian guards, and then entertaining the Iranian captors.

"We sang with the greatest spirit of Britannia," Air said, immediately breaking into the chorus:

"Springtime for Hitler and Germany ... Deutschland is happy and gay! We're marching to a faster pace ... Look out, here comes the master race! Springtime for Hitler and Germany ... Rhineland's a fine land once more! ... Springtime for Hitler and Germany ... Watch out, Europe ... We're going on tour! Springtime for Hitler and Germany."

Air added, "Oh Iranian President Ahmadinejad was clapping to the tune like a six year old with Autism and ADD and ADHD. It was amazing how those belly wogs can sustain such a beat. We were all impressed. He's such a short chap, bouncing up and down as he did. Singing in his Farsi jibberish. It was so commical."

At one point, Air said the Iranian soldiers tried to recreate the German Nazi march, goose-stepping around the prison yard.

"They are such uncoordinated wogs. We had to explain how the Nazi goose step actually goes. They looked like little girls in those red dresses prancing around screaming things like Hiy-yal Boosh. Hiy-yal Boosh."

Air and the other British officers said that they joined in the spirit of the captivity, feigning surrender and apologizing for all sorts of British crimes.

"We apologized for everything, not just the war crimes of our soldiers in iraq," Air said responding to a rising chorus of criticism from American officers who said they were ashamed to call the British soldiers "backup" in the War on Terrorism.

"We apologized for Prince Charles and that dog-faced broad he calls a wife. Her breath smells worse than a schnauzer in heat. We apologized for being pasty-faced. We apologized for our men who are the picture in the Oxford Dictionary for effiminate sissies. At one point, Ahmadinejad asked if we were really sissies. The Iranians really love sissies apparently. We also apologized for wearing female underpants under our uniforms."

Air said he believed that the Iranians released them because, "They feared, frankly, that we would be bringing in our Western corruption and low morals into their ranks. Before we left, several of the Iranian soldiers asked if we would give them our panties for them to wear. We did and I know that many Brits are angry that we did that but the fear of being boiled, seasoned and turned into a plate of Mensiff frightened us beyond what any White person might think. It was horrible. Horrible. Just horrible."

# # #

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Carver of Pinocchio claims Iranian President is "lying wooden puppet" who vanished in 2003

(Disneyland, California, AP Breaking News) -- Geppetto, the impoverished Italian born in Florence in the mid-19th Century and who remains exploited till this day, declared from his new castle at DisneyWorld Europe that he believes that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, is in fact Pinocchio, his adoptive wooden son who disappeared many years ago.

"The resemblances are remarkable," Geppetto said from his silk-covered bed where he has remained as a recluse since his beloved mohagony son Pinocchio disappeared under mysterious circumstances related to Halliburton and the invasion of Iraq in March 19, 2003.

"Look at them. Ahmadinejad is a midget, maybe four feet tall. He lies through his wooden teeth much like Pinocchio who had a very difficult adolescence filled with exaggerations and storytelling. He was shunned by his generation of children who said he looked too stiff and had a head like a walnut. What? Ahmadinejad doesn't have the same," Geppetto said.

"Ahmadinejad and Pinicchio are the same. I can't wait to wrap my wrinkled arms around my boy and bring him back to sanity where fantasy and fiction dominate Western culture," Geppetto said between coughs, gags and Rothschild cigarettes.

Ahmadinejad's spokesman denied the claim, saying that Ahmadinejad was born in Tehran in 1950, acknowledging that he did change his first name from Maftool to Mahmoud because everyone said he was as crazy as a cookie. But, the spokesman, Tariq Aziz, who was the spokesman for the late dictator and Pinocchio fan Saddam Hussein, admited that President Ahmadinejad does wear elevated shoes with five inch high heels purchased from Porno star Jenna Jameson's "Hollywood Pimp Collection" to make him look taller.

But the strongest rebuke of the claim that he is really Pinocchio with a beard and schizophrenic personality came from Ahmadinejad himself, who declared. "Everyone knows that in the Islamic World, everything is backwards, much like in the Superman Comic Books series, Bizarro World. In the Islamic World, when we lie, our noses don't get longer. We start out with long noses. When we lie, our noses get shorter. Some of us lie to save money on Rhinoplastys and facial surgeries but my nose was always a little dinkle," Ahmadinejad insisted following his news conference where he announced he was releasing the 15 captive British sailors.

In the Superman comic series, Bizarro is the exact opposite of the rest of the world, someone who is held in great esteem in the Islamic World, the Arab World and in Israel where everything is not really what it seems. Even concrete is actually plyable chainlink fencing.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair issued a curt statement, "I am surprised. I didn't think that was Ahmadinejad's nose I had been stomping on."


Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Assad showers House Speaker "Ms Nancy" with Syrian Swag

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad greets U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi with full male honors Monday during Pelosi's controversial visit to Damascus, Syria.

Pelosi, whom Assad referred to affectionately as "Ms. Nancy" and "Habibi," posed for an official propaganda photograph with the Syrian dictator following their brief meeting where Assad presented Pelosi with an official collection of Syrian Swag.

In his 4 hour long welcoming address, Assad told Pelosi, "Ms. Nancy. I take Hollywood very seriously. The way they depict women is disgusting. Women should never be seen nor heard, just available when we need to have Mensiff cooked in under 2 hours notice," Assad said.

"Ms. Nancy. Please accept this Syrian Swag which represents the finest in Syrian culture and history."

The bag of swag gifts included:

A special black face veil with the words embroidered in gold in Arabic that read "Wife Number 2"

A woman's personal circumcision kit

Irshad Manji's new book "The Joys of Separation from Men" (Assad told Ms. Nancy he loved the title but has yet to read it.)

Several books including, "The Joy of Cooking While Fully Covered," "The Joy of Syrian Dictators," "The Joy of Joy, Assad's 1st Wife," and a copy of Assad's own new book, "The Joys of Pleasuring Your Husband When Your Turn in Harem"

An copy of the popular Syrian poster "Bush is a War Criminal Terrorist Hypocritical Lying Thief Son of a Camel" which Assad autographed

Pelosi wore a colored Chador during the press conference, and then changed clothes in a private backroom to wear the traditional black Chador. Assad gave Pelosi a red thong to wear underneath the Chador as a symbol of Syrian progress towards liberating women.

"Of course, Ms. Nancy. I would like it back when you are done with it," Assad told Pelosi as he handed it to her.

Pelosi then toured Damascus with a group of liberated Arab women who said they wore the black Chadors proudly as an expression of their independence. Mumbled one Syrian woman who was assigned to follow Ms. Nancy wherever she went, "Muslim women in Amreeka are covering themselves and we do so in honor of liberating them from the oppression of the American political system."

Later, Assad invited Ms. Nancy to his Palace where she enjoyed participating in the traditional Arab woman's practice of sitting in wood chairs in silence and heads bowed against the wall of the room while the Arab men dined, smoked and spoke openly about their sexual conquests.

Before leaving, Ms. Nancy accepted a law Assad said he hoped the American government would adopt that would grant special status to Arab-owned inner-city grocery store owners, saying, "You know. We can't drink alcohol in public, but we sure can sell it to the infidels."

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Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Great YouTube Comedy & Satire

Watch the popular "Lahme Song" on YouTube:

and the Israeli-Palestinian's fight in Tel Aviv

and the Proposal cartoon video


Arab League announces new tournament and team called "The Heebs"

The Arab League, which was formed in 1945 to give Arab Women the right to play any sport, announced it would authorize a new franchise to allow direct competition with Israel and that would consist of Jews and be called "The Heebs."

The League, which has both never won a tournament in any competition nor signed on any female players, said that they hoped to change their losing streak by using the new team, "The Heebs" to negotiate franchise contracts with the Arabs.

"The Heebs will be a special team that will consist of honorary Arab sports players who are Jewish. I mean, after all, we are all Semitic peoples," explained League Secretary General Amr Moussa after announcing a new tournament initiative presented to Israel.

Formerly the Egyptian Foreign Minister who has headed the League since March 2001, Moussa added, "The idea is if we can't find anyone talented enough among our ranks to lead in the field of scholarly athletics, then we can allow honorary members, like Heebs and members of the Entity, to play on our behalf."

Moussa also said that the league was changing its slogan from "Driving the Jews into the sea" to something more achievable, like "increasing oil profits at the expense of our people."

"If we can't drive the Jews to the Sea, we are hoping to drive the sea to the Jews," Moussa said in unveiling this season's new strategy at the game opener in Cairo this week.

The Arab League has 22 teams including Algeria, Bahrain, Comoros, Djibouti, Egypt, Iraq, Jordan, Kuwait, Lebanon, Libya, Mauritania, Morocco, Oman, Palestine, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Somalia, Sudan, Syria, Tunisia, United Arab Emirates, and Yemen.

The previous league secretaries Abdul-Razzaq Azzam (1945-52), Abdul-Khaleq Hassouna (1952-72), Mahmoud Riyadh (1972-79), Chedi Klibi (1979-90) and Dr Ahmad Esmat Abd al-Maguid (1991-2001) all had Arabian food dishes named after them to commemorate their consistent athletic records.

Edwards to claim he's father of Anna Nicole Smith baby

Trailing presidential candidate John Edwards is expected to announce this week that he is the biological father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, Dannielyne, although he said had he known about the infant, he would have told Anna to at least spell her name correctly instead of Southern White Trash style.

The announcement is viewed as another effort to boost his sagging campaign and generate cash. His campaign has risen sharply in the popularity polls after making two of his major foreign policy statements. The first, announcing he is more pro-Israel than most Israelis, helped inject his campaign warchest with $14 million in the first quarter. The decision to force his wife to disclose publicly her intimate private tragedies, that her cancer has returned, caused a 9-point bump in Edwards' popularity in the polls. Among single women voters.

Edwards posed with about 30 women, all directly or indirectly related to him at a health clinic where he offered to pay to have them all receive free health clinic checkups.

"I think it is important that all women identify potentially life-threatening illnesses early, especially any women who might be related to me. If we can identify these problems early, before the March primaries, we can address them quickly and successfully," Edwards said.

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Monday, April 2, 2007

Tancredo vows to make "Nuke Mecca" his official campaign theme

Colorado Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo formally announced his candidacy Monday for the U.S. 2008 presidential race saying he would make "fighting illegal immigration" (meaning against those "Mohammedans") the focus of his campaign. But he vowed that his campaign would go even further in pandering to demagoguery than even Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck in demeaning Muslims.

"I plan to make 'NUKE MECCA" my campaign slogan," Tancredo said. The 61-year-old lawmaker, who has won office to five consecutive terms by pandering to Poles in his Colorado home state (the Jewish ski-vote).

Last year, Tancredo shocked America when he vowed to Nuke Mecca but failed to follow through on his promise. Many rightwing Americans said they were outraged that someone would make such a bold promise and then fail to deliver. Tancredo, who admits he is controversial, said he was strategically building up anti-Muslim hate and saved the thrust of his anti-Muslim bashing for the official campaign.

"Why waste it? Why would I nuke Mecca last year when I wasn't even running for office?" Tancredo said. "Now's the time."

Tancredo blasted his likely Reppublican rivals, beginning with Mitt Romney, charging that he was probabaly a fan of the HBO series "Big Love." Tancredo said Romney is playing to both Republicans and Democrats. "Romney is a political polygamist. He'll marry more than one political party just to get ahead."

Tancredo brushed aside another Republican Rival New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, saying the former New York Mayor would be a polygamist if we didn't have a divorce court system in America. "I'll bitch-slap Giuliani in any head-to-head election contest. All he dide was refuse to take $10 million from a Saudi Prince."

Tancredo said controversy generates free publicity. Tancredo also once denounced Miami saying it resembled "a third world country."

"There are more Cuban Restaurants per square mile in Miami than there ever were on the Ricky Riccardo Show," Tancredo said.

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Ask Fatimah: (Send us any questions to and we will force Fatimah to answer them. We don't oppress women. We only try to impress them with our male dominoes.)

Dear Fatimah:

I live in a small mental village of the mind in Pakistan but everyone thinks I am an Arab. I love carpets, if you know what I mean, sistah. But recently, I have fallen in love with a man named Allah Dershoshitz. He writes like a God and loves to bash Muslims and Arabs as much as I do those hywans! Anyway, how do I let A.D. know I want to marry him, and what do I say to my partner, the woman who heads the publishing house that publishes all my books between lap dances? Is there a secret to men I don't know?

Irshad Munchee

You Maniac:

I know what you mean about Dershoshitz. He is a publishing God, and publishes more books bashing Arab teazy than I get yeast infections from my husband, who, by the way, runs a liquor store in San Francisco's inner-city, Mahmoud Abdullah Hassen Yahya or, Mike, as he is known at Liquor industry conferences, Praise Be Upon Him (we can't drink alcohol but we can sell it to the infidels, again PBUH). Although sometimes he is also called "Big Booty" by the customers. Anyway, that's what he tells me.

I suggest that you get Dershoshitz's attention by saying something bad about Israel, rather than always shoving your nose up their tezzies all the time. I mean, I understand how you might waiver from your Lebanesian preferences given the shameless Red-Eye sucking you always offer to men. But Dershoshitz will immediately write a book denouncing you. You can then fall to his feet and beg for forgiveness. He'll then write and dedicate an entire book to you. From there, you're on your own.