Ida-hoe Senator Larry Craig today proposed that the Republican Party "come out of the closet, or crawl out of its black hole" and hold its presidential convention next year in an airport bathroom stall.Craig, who claimed he was merely picking a pubic hair off of the shoe of an undercover police officer who was sitting on a toilet in the stall next to him at a Minneapolis Airport, denied trying to make a pass at the officer.
At first, when Craig was arrested by police for soliciting lewd acts during the potty break between flights, Craig responded by yelling, "There's a man speaking Ay-rab in the bathroom. Please, save me."
Later, police corrected the charges filed against Craig, explaining that by "lewd acts," they were not referring to "voting Republican," which is what most Republican Senators and members of Congress do, or blindly following President Bush's orders in Iraq.
The arresting officer told reporters, "That nappy-headed Ida-hoe Craig first tried to play pussy foot with me and then put his left hand, palm up, in my stall. I thought he was soliciting me for a bribe until I realized that he wasn't handing me an envelope."
Republicans immediately defended Craig, arguing that the left-wing liberal news media never criticizes Democrats who solicit oral sex from campaign volunteers in the White House while smoking cigars.
Retiring former House Speaker Dennis Hastert immediately issued a press release declaring, "Just as I knew nothing about the frolicking -- emphasis on licking -- of former congressman Mark Foley, I knew absolutely nothing about Senator Craig. In fact, during my entire career as a congressman, I have vigilantly preserved and protected my ability to know absolutely nothing about nothing."
Hastert then broke out into a rendition of the Billy Preston hit song "Nothing from Nothing."
Sang Hastert:
Nothin' from Foley leaves nothin'
I knew he was Gay somethin'
That's what everyone was telling me
Nothin' from Craig means more nothin'
He gotta say more excusin'
If you wanna play with me
I'm not tryin' to be a zero'
Cause a zero is too bold for me, brrr
I'm not tryin' to be your highness'
Cause my ass hangs too low to see, yeah
Nothin' from Foley leaves nothin'
And I'm not stuffin'
Believe you me
Don't you remember Craig I told ya
You're a failure in the war on sodomy, yeah
Yes, I hammed
Nothin' from Foley means nothin'
He gotta give me somthin'
If you wanna be with me
Nothin' from Craig leaves more nothin'
He gotta give somethin'
If you wanna be with me
You gotta give somethin'
If you wanna be with me
You gotta bring me somethin' girl
If you wanna be with me
