Israelis defend use of rubber bullets, then withdraw press release

Israeli leaders and Jewish American activists defended the use of rubber bullets at last week's protests, and issued the following statement.

"Rubber bullets are a humane way to respond to peaceful insurgencies from terrorist sympathizing criminals and non-Jews in Palestine," the leaders said in a joint statement after the protest.

But as they were reading the statement, an aide rushed into the room and pointed out that the rubber bullets were used not in Palestine last week against the usual suspects of peaceful Palestinian protestors and Nobel Peace Prize winners, but rather at supporters of immigration reform in Los Angeles, where dozens of people were injured there, too.

"Ah, we want to point out that the rubber used in the bullets against bloodthirsty Palestinian terrorist murderers Jew-hating anti-Semites and celebrators of Sept. 11 with dancing and handing out candies who kill their own people and celebrate death by dressing up babies as martyrs and suicide bombers ... (pause) ... are not the same as the unjustified rubber bullets used to squelch a peaceful protest of Mexicans in Los Angeles last week. There is a difference!"

Hamas militants win Bir Zeit college campus elections, declares one state solution plan

The Hamas organization swept through student elections at Biz Zeit University this week, pushing aside challenges from moderates who advocate a two-state solution, and endorsing those who advocate a one state solution aptly titled: "Israel, no Palestine," or the Hamas INP One State Solution Plan, also dubbed the INP-OSSP, or, as many have already figured out, sounds incredibly close to the American expression, "Impossible!"

In celebrating their election victory, Hamas members fired guns in the air, killing tens of innocent doves that were flying over head. And, the Hamas leaders also declared a special day of thanks to their founder.

Of course, students were immediately confused as to whether Hamas was refering to the late Sheik Ahmed Yassin who was murdered by non-suicide Israeli helicopter pilots missile attacks as he was leaving a mosque being pushed out of the prayer service in his wheelchair where he had been confined for years as a paraplegic unable to move or walk. Or, bystanders wondered if Hamas was actually celebrating another pair of terrorist leaders, Yitzhak Shamir, the former head of the Stern Gang, and Ariel Sharon, who is now being used as the portrait on a new "Subway can make you thin" advertising campaign to promote the opening of 500 Indian-Urdu owned Subway Sandwich shops throughout Israel.

"Hey, if it wasn't for Shamir and Sharon, the "SS" of Israeli terrorism, Sheik Yassin could never have raised all that money in the 1970s under the umbrella of the Islamic Association and the Village League system, and then they would not have been able to push out the secular losers working for Arafat, and then they would never have been able to arm Hamas during the first few months of the first Intifada, which began for reasons no one really seems to remember because the list of martyrs is now more than 7,894 pages long and growing," said one former Fatah lieutenant whose son is a member of the secular wing of the al-Aqsa Martyr's Brigade, the "Christian Palestinians for Self-Destruction" unit.

Hamas said that once it takes over all of the universities, they next step will be to tackle the enemy at cafes and dance clubs. "Next year we'll do it right in Beirut," Hamas leaders cheered!

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Iranian President Ahmadinejad bans Western haircuts; makes cover of Mad Magazine

Iranian President Ahmadinejad declared Monday that all Western style haircuts will be banned and that Iranian men will be required to get only one haircut, the "Ahmadinejad Comeover."

The Iranian President's declaration banning Western syle haircuts including spikes, tapers, graphix, slants, slopes, angles, friz, Afros, green and purple dyed, and the "Britney Spears bald" look.

The Britney Spears Bald look, called "The Iranian Smoothie," was growing in popularity in Tehran among younger Iranians after the Western Rock Pop star went berserk and started flashing without undergarments. Her actions prompted many Iranians to observe, "Man, she is so crazeeeeeee, she must be I-ranian."

President Ahmadinejad even declared Britney Spears to be a "National Treasure," saying, "The corrupt and decadent Western culture forced Britney to do this. She is a National treasure. We love blond White women. They make the best second wives. It's all about rebound sex."

The Iranian Parliament, also called the Assylum in Farsi, endorsed Ahmadinejad's declaration, although there was a fierce debate on whether or not the official Iranian haircut should be Ahmedinejad's hair style of a closely cropped Donald Trump comeover, or the style preferred by the late Ayatollah Khomeini, but no one could find a picture of Khomeini's head without the Tarboush on it.

Mad Magazine, which distributes editions in Iran under a special Farsi name, "We're Crazy MudderF'ers," declared Ahmedinejad "Man-iac of the Year."

The Iranian Assylum also declared that anyone arrested and convicted of wearing an unauthorized haircut would have the haircut extended to the shoulders.

Of course, Offmyrocker MullahMullah, the spokesman for the Iranian Assylum, later clarified the new law saying, "Of course, we made a slight mistake. If you are arrested, you are convicted, so the language should read 'anyone arrested wearing an unauthorized haircut' will be headed."

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Indian judge orders death sentence against Gere and slavery sale to Shetty in public kissing fiasco

An Indian Judge ordered that American Actor Richard Gere be shot after he publicly laid a wet one on Hindu starlet Shilpa Shetty during a rally to raise awareness of AIDs.

During the same court hearing, Judge Pastel "Paddy" Patel issued an order to release a man charged with murdering his two daughters allegedly after he heard rumors that a man in another Indian city had posted a comment about the daughters on Facebook calling them "hot looking in Saris."

The judge said that Gere's kiss was an insult to Indian tradition and culture because Shetty is "a national treasure. Kind of like a possession of all Indian men." The man who killed his two daughters, the judge said, did so to protect his honor, which is the highest honor in Urdu culture.

Shetty had achieved stardom when she was named the winner of the British reality show “Celebrity Big Brother.” Shetty out-performed a fellow contestant, Jade Goody, who sparked international headlines by allegedly making racist comments about Shetty and her Indian heritage.

Mobs took to the streets of India to denounce Goody and threatened to burn the Big Brother House to salty assed ground. Shetty was named the winner in the competition.

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Bush announces arrest of former top supporter of al-Qaeda leader Saddam Hussein

(AP/Washington D.C., April 27, 2007) -- The top military commander in Iraq, Gen. David Petraeus, warned Friday that a US troop pullback this fall would interfere with quarterly profit reports for Halliburton to help boost the American Economy.

Petraeus had previously announced that the U.S. Military had captured a top al-Qaeda commander, someone that officials said had helped give monetary and logistical support to former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. Petraeus released photos of the prisoner, but the photos were quickly withdrawn when an Iraqi civilian noticed that the pictures resembled former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. The news was timed to influence the Congressional vote on funding and a timetable for American soldiers.

Before Petraeus could prevent the media from publishing the photos and the claim on Thursday, Rumsfeld issued a statement acknowledging that he in fact met with Saddam Hussein prior to and during the war with Iraq, and that he provided funding and also military secrets to assist in the war effort.

Rumsfeld explained that he withdrew support for Saddam Hussein when it became clear that the United States needed a Middle East dictator to exploit as a target to promote warmongering among voters during the 1988 presidential election campaign.

"How else do you think we knew with certainty that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction?" Rumsfeld told an AP reporter. "We gave him the WMDs. He hid them. Why else would we have him murdered, err, sentenced, convicted and executed?"

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Israelis celebrate independence with new citizenship label for Arabs

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud "Behind" Olmert announced that from now own Jews who are citizens of Israel would be referred to as "Jews," and all non-Jew citizens of Israel would be referred to as "Jew-ish."

"I think it is time that we clarified the true being of who is a Jew," said Olmert, who may be "ehud" in his own polls but is "behund" in most polls, drawing only 2 percent popularity, plus or minus 5 points.

"If you are Israeli and not a real Jew, then from now on, you will be called Jew-ish."

Olmert said the distinction is necessary because voters in many American states where using the term "Jewish" as an alternative for "Jew-like" in describing American politicians who pander to the AMerican Jew vote.

Asked if the change might create some awkwardness, "because calling Americans who are Jews 'Jew Americans' sounds rather harsh," Olmert replied, "It's about time Americans repaid us for all that we have been doing to help their country."

Immediately, Hameed Barbarawi, the spokesmen for Hamas said, "We denounce this anti-Semantics game of rheto ..." Barbarawi was not able to complete the sentence as he was immediately assassinated by Israeli agents at the press conference. Barbarawi was immediately replaced as Hamas spokesman by Abdul Ghafer Massuci, who said, "What Hameed Barbarawi was trying to say was that ..." And Massuci was immediately killed by Israeli agents, too. Massuci's successor, former U.S. President Jimmy Carter, continued the press conference by saying, "Whoa you Heeb bastards. I'm not an Ay-rab. I'm a peanut farmer. I just wrote one book you Jews hate and all of a sudden I',m your worst enemy. I hand you Egypt and Sadat on a platter and this is what I get just for saying the Apar ..." And Carter was immediately assassinated by the Israeli secret service, known as the SLAVATSKIS in honor of the founder of the Iranian secret service the SAVAK.

Olmert denied havign Carter killed, but explained, "If he were killed and if we did it, chances are the anti-Semitic peanut farmer deserved it. The word 'apartheid' is a heinous misuse of the English language and we reject it. We reject Carter. We reject the word apartheid. But, we do support peace with the Pales ..." and Olmert was assassinated by the Israel secret police.

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Sheryl Crow and Karl Rove duke it out at Reporter's Grid Iron

Presidential Adviser Karl Rove and singer Sheryl Rove got into a tiff recently at the Washington Reporter's Grid Iron dinner. Rove was sitting with Bush as Crow performed her new Cadillac Hit Song "Everyday is a Winding Road."

During the performance, Rove started singing his own rendition fo the same song, "Everday he's a lying Rove" interrupting the Crow performance, and prompting her to come to the table and exchange heated words.

Below is the audio tape of the Rove-Bush conversation and Rove's signing performance from the table.

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