ASK FATIMAH: How does a good Arab girl respond to email solicitations?

Dear Fatimah:

I just opened, ya'ani, my first Hotmail account. I chose hotmail, ya'ani, to upset Baba. He thinks Hotmail, ya'ani, is a place where, ya'ani, you meet guys. I want to meet guys like David Hasselhoff, who, ya'ani, I have seen in that Great Satan TV show my Baba always watches, Baywitch. Ya'ani, I am concerned Baba will smother me, ya'ani, when I am sleeping, to preserve his, ya'ani, honor. I was about to explain to him, ya'ani, that the free Hotmail email account is not about sex. He think's "Hot Male" is a bad, wissich (filthy) site, ya'ani. But before I did, ya'ani, I received several emails to my new HotMale account from people offering to, ya'ani, enlarge my penis. Now, I don't have a penis. At least I don't think I do. Baba is always yelling at me, ya'ani, and praying for blessing on my 15 brothers, ya'ani, who I know why my brothers have penis's. (Did I spell penis's, ya'ani, correctly. I don;t know that.) Actually, I am not sure what a penis really is, ya'ani, as a good Arab girl who aspires to be one of the 72, PBUH(er). Yet, I think penis has something to do with sex. I know that my parents have cut and friend lamb penis in the past, or maybe that was mussarene (lamb intestine). Anyway, ya'ani, my question is, ya'ani, is Baba right or am I wrong? And, is Hasselhoff married? Can he have four wives.

Signed

"Aspiring to be the 4th wife"

Habeela

Bethlehem

Dear "Habeela."

Did your Baba give you that name or are you just stupid? Anyway, can you stop saying "ya'ani?" Ya'ani, it's making me, ya'ani, dizzy.

Hasselhoff is married. A penis has nothing to do with sex at all. It's the thing that separates men from women. Sex is something you will learn from a teacher, the mailman, if you get mail delivered in Bethlehem, and from the priests. Eventually, you will learn to hate your husband's penis but he will give it to some "nappy-haired hos" at his south side grocery store, anyway.

The emails about extending your penis are called Spam. That's a food I have heard is made out of chicken penis and cartilage. I don't know. I've never seen a penis either. Of course, I am wife number 4 in my family, so by the time it comes to me, no pun intended, it's pretty much disappeared from view. If I were you, I would enjoy Baywatch as long as you can.

Fatimah

ASK FATIMAH: Does the Quran order Men to beat Women?

Dear Fatimah:

Thank ALLAH (PBUH) that you are here to answer our questions. My husband is a devout Muslim and he has never beaten me. But his friend, also a devout Muslim, does beat his wife and wonders why my husband does not beat me. I have read the Qu'ran many times and it does use the word "daraba" to allude to the treatment of women. But someone told me that it does not mean "to beat" as many intepret it. Is this just spin or am I in for a beating soon? Help.

Dalilah

Dear Dalilah:

You have hit hard on an important topic that I have not beaten upon enough in the past.

The word "daraba" means "to beat" in modernday Arabic and in classical Arabic. But in the times of the Prophet Muhammed (PBUH), the word was mainly used as a slang for fornication. Or to screw. To "Daraba" meant to have sex with your wife.

Here is a link to one explanation upon which I base my response, because it is, subhan wa Allah, (PBUH), the truth:

http://islamtomorrow.com/women/treatment.asp

Now, the modernday example of this play on words is the American slang expression "to bang." When you "bang" a woman, you are not beating her. You are fornicating with her. Not you specifically, because that wouldmake you a Lesbian, and you therefore fall under the authority of Hezbollah which controls all Arab Lesbians, and therefore you can be beaten. However, back to the question. "Daraba" in Arabic is much like "to bang" in English. In the Qu'ran, "Daraba" directs Muslim men to sleep with their wives when their wives pwermit it.

To be honest, the first part about whtehr men should beat their wives or sleep with their wives is not the issue, but rather the real concern is the second part, "when their wives permit it." How often do Muslim men actually ask permission of a wife before having sex? With her? Or with one of his grocery store female employees?

By the way, you cannot "daraba" a Muslim women in the sense of a beating, but you can "daraba" a non-Muslim woman.

Fatimah.

ASK FATIMAH

Ask Fatimah: (Send us any questions to AhmedKareem1948@yahoo.com and we will force Fatimah to answer them. We don't oppress women. We only try to impress them with our male dominoes.)


Dear Fatimah:

I live in a small mental village of the mind in Pakistan but everyone thinks I am an Arab. I love carpets, if you know what I mean, sistah. But recently, I have fallen in love with a man named Allah Dershoshitz. He writes like a God and loves to bash Muslims and Arabs as much as I do those hywans! Anyway, how do I let A.D. know I want to marry him, and what do I say to my partner, the woman who heads the publishing house that publishes all my books between lap dances? Is there a secret to men I don't know?

Signed
Irshad Munchee

You Maniac:

I know what you mean about Dershoshitz. He is a publishing God, and publishes more books bashing Arab teazy than I get yeast infections from my husband, who, by the way, runs a liquor store in San Francisco's inner-city, Mahmoud Abdullah Hassen Yahya or, Mike, as he is known at Liquor industry conferences, Praise Be Upon Him (we can't drink alcohol but we can sell it to the infidels, again PBUH). Although sometimes he is also called "Big Booty" by the customers. Anyway, that's what he tells me.

I suggest that you get Dershoshitz's attention by saying something bad about Israel, rather than always shoving your nose up their tezzies all the time. I mean, I understand how you might waiver from your Lebanesian preferences given the shameless Red-Eye sucking you always offer to men. But Dershoshitz will immediately write a book denouncing you. You can then fall to his feet and beg for forgiveness. He'll then write and dedicate an entire book to you. From there, you're on your own.

Fatimah