Olmert reconsiders strategy after polls show him at only 2 percent

One year after his centrist Kadima Party won a quarter of the seats in the Knesset and he became Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert now finds himself more unpopular with Israelis than the late Palestine President Yasir Arafat. Polls show that only 2 percent of Israelis say they trust their premier, two-thirds want him to resign and nearly every Israeli wants new early elections.

In response this week, Olmert announced his knew campaign strategy, "No Passover" in which no possibility to lift his polling will be passed over. Olmert compared his low ratings to Matzo, noting "Jews low flat unleavened bread and that's me." Olmert said he would look towards others who have higher public ratings to help noodge public confidence in his government.

Olmert's first meeting was with besieged Israeli President Moshe Katsav, who, already indicted on one rape charge, is now facing a second rape charge to be filed by Attorney General Meni Mazuz. Since the rape charges were brought, Katsav's popularity has risen, mainly among the growing Russian Jewish immigrant population, which is dominated by unsavory underworld mafia criminal elements and where rape and pillaging is considered a proud cultural tradition.

Olmert met with Katsav to discuss ways in which Olmert can raise his own popularity. "Clearly, filing a second rape charge will only double Katsav's popularity among the Ivans," Olmert said in reference to Russian Jewish voters. "Imagine how that can help me if I can also be charged with something other than bad leadership. I'm not Iranian, like Katsav, so I can expect my popularity to quadruple."

Olmert said one option is to take the advice of Pope Benedict XVI. "The Pope told me that ever since he bashed Islam and Mohammed, his own popularity went up more than 40 percent not just in the Catholic community but among Christians."

The Pope commented later, "Olmert could become a Catholic Saint. He has one miracle under his belt already. He has only 2 percent in a poll that has a plus or minus 5 point margin of error. That could mean that he actually has the support of Negative 3 Percent of the Israeli people. That's either typi"

Olmert also met with his chief rival Benjamin "Nasty" Netanyahu who said the secret to his popularity was not only to be tough with the Arabs, but to always look mean during photo shoots.

Netanyahu suggested that Olmert try the "two-faced" approach that has been so successful for Netanyahu's political career. "You talk peace but act war and refuse to make concessions to the Arabs. Let's be honest. Arabs are just Russia Jews with towels on their heads," Netanyahu advised Olmert.

Netanyahu said he never waivered from his strategy that Israelis can have war and peace at the same time. Later, Netanyahu met with U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi who returned from an effort to recruit the 6 foot 6 inch tall Syrian President Bash-her Ass Assad for the New York Nicks. Prodded by adoring reporters who offered to sleep with him, Netanyahu made his classic "meany face" which has helped him win overwhelming votes from the growingly ugly illiterate Russian mafia and organized crime population in Israel.

"The Netanyahu Meany Face works as well in Israel and in the Shtetle," Netanyahu said, taking three female reporters from Haaretz, Yedioth Ahronoth and the Jerusalem Post to his backroom for "private" interviews.

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Daylight Savings Time undermines anti-Terrorism program "24"

Terrorists used a Western tradition to undermine the FOX Network Security program "24," confusing terrorist crime fighter Jack Bauer and foiling plans to protect the country from a nuclear attack against Washington D.C.

Jack Bauer failed to protect America, after he was released only 22 hours earlier from a Chinese prison, because he forget to calculate the impact of Daily Savings Time on his 24 Hour plan to save the world from terrorists.

The critical error occurred during hour 23 when Daily Savings Time kicked in, on the west coast, and caused Bauer to fail in his goal

FOX Network TV changed the original script for the show (review the original script by clicking here) and released the following amended script of the anti-Terrorists activities in the final hours:

7:00 P.M.-8:00 P.M. Jack Bauer has broken a nail and mascara is runnign down his right eye, forcing FOX TV executive to send Bauer back to makeup. He runs into Marilyn who reveals that she was having a lesbian affair with Audrey Raines, when she was killed trying to save him from China by sleeping with two of the female Chinese guards. Audrey, Marilyn explained, had an endless series of multiple orgasms that sent her into anaphylactic shock. Jack is distraught, thinking that he could have had a three-some with Audrey and Marilyn, but demands to help CTU bring down the terrorists to avenge Audrey’s death and their cheating him out of a ménage à trois. Despite his disappointment, Jack leads the field ops team to find Gredenko’s men and he is about to land the drone carrying the nuclear weapon.

But the next hour, when Bauer supposedly will bring the nuclear armed drone down, is erased by Daylight Savings Time, and the drone reaches it's target in the next hour, which is really now the prior hour.

8:00 P.M.-9:00 P.M. CANCELLED: Jack was to have apprehended the man obtaining nuclear power plant access for Gredenko. Jack was to have used the man’s autistic brother to lure Gredenko. Gredenko was supposed to give up Fayed in return for full amnesty and the promise he won’t turned over to Russia.

9:00 P.M.-10:00 P.M. Washington D.C. is destroyed. Nancy Pelosi is in Syria when the explosion takles place and she is immediately elected president since every other successor has been incinerated in the nuclear holocaust. Jack and a field team take a wired Gredenko to meet Fayed, but Gredenko goes missing. Gredenko has severed his arm using a Boyscout knife to elude the CTU tracking implant. Jack tails Fayed and Gredenko to a Gay bar, where the patrons have captured Fayed whom they recognize from the news. Jack apprehends Fayed but Gredenko escapes.

Next season, FOX announced it will schedule the 6th Season of "24" so as to avoid overlapping with Daylight Savings Time changes in the future and thereby saves the American people from another terrorist nuclear attack from fanatic Islamic extremist terrorist homiciders.

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ASK FATIMAH: Does the Quran order Men to beat Women?

Dear Fatimah:

Thank ALLAH (PBUH) that you are here to answer our questions. My husband is a devout Muslim and he has never beaten me. But his friend, also a devout Muslim, does beat his wife and wonders why my husband does not beat me. I have read the Qu'ran many times and it does use the word "daraba" to allude to the treatment of women. But someone told me that it does not mean "to beat" as many intepret it. Is this just spin or am I in for a beating soon? Help.

Dalilah

Dear Dalilah:

You have hit hard on an important topic that I have not beaten upon enough in the past.

The word "daraba" means "to beat" in modernday Arabic and in classical Arabic. But in the times of the Prophet Muhammed (PBUH), the word was mainly used as a slang for fornication. Or to screw. To "Daraba" meant to have sex with your wife.

Here is a link to one explanation upon which I base my response, because it is, subhan wa Allah, (PBUH), the truth:

http://islamtomorrow.com/women/treatment.asp

Now, the modernday example of this play on words is the American slang expression "to bang." When you "bang" a woman, you are not beating her. You are fornicating with her. Not you specifically, because that wouldmake you a Lesbian, and you therefore fall under the authority of Hezbollah which controls all Arab Lesbians, and therefore you can be beaten. However, back to the question. "Daraba" in Arabic is much like "to bang" in English. In the Qu'ran, "Daraba" directs Muslim men to sleep with their wives when their wives pwermit it.

To be honest, the first part about whtehr men should beat their wives or sleep with their wives is not the issue, but rather the real concern is the second part, "when their wives permit it." How often do Muslim men actually ask permission of a wife before having sex? With her? Or with one of his grocery store female employees?

By the way, you cannot "daraba" a Muslim women in the sense of a beating, but you can "daraba" a non-Muslim woman.

Fatimah.

Palestinian Authority President Abbas urges end to "useless Qassem launchings"

Palestinian Authority President Mahmound Abbas called for an end to the launching of "useless Qassam rockets."

The meaning of his statement became the focus of an internal debate. Apparently, the Abbas quote was reported by YnetNews, which lifted the quote from Haaretz, which took the quote from the Palestinian Wire Service WAFA, which was given the quote by an aide to Abbas who was not at the speech where the statement was reportedly made to graduates of Fatah's security services.

MEMRI, the Middle East Media Research Institute (www.MEMRI.org), led the debate arguing that what Abbas was actually saying was that he opposed useless firings and thereby supported those firing of Qassam rockets that were not useless, or, in MEMRI's report, reached a Jew target across Israel Gaza Strip border.

"Clearly, the terrorist prime minister Abbas is saying that he wants the Hamas to stop firing Qassam rockets that end up being useless by not hitting Jews. Abbas is an anti-Semitic schmuck piece of garbage and we are clear on our translations of translated translations," an official of MEMRI opined.

WAFA then quoted Haaretz which quoted YnetNews which quoted MEMRI as saying that "All Arabs are anti-Semitic and we prove it everyday on our web site, which is funded by the government of Israel."

Asked about the controversy, Abbas said, "I urge an end to useless media reporting." Upon which his comment was quickly analyzed by YnetNews, Haaretz and double checked for typos by WAFA. MEMRI declared even before seeing the source quote, "Clearly, all Arabs are anti-Semitic bastards and that's all we have to say on the topic. We stand by our glory."

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British soldiers confess they performed Broadway play to win release

British troops held hostage by Iran for trespassing into Iranian waters said they survived 13 days of the worst torture they had ever experienced in their lives by singing the lyrics to the Broadway hit "Springtime for Hitler and Germany."

At a press conference after being released, British Royal Marine Capt. Chris Air said he and the others survived by borrowing the red dresses of the Iranian guards, and then entertaining the Iranian captors.


"We sang with the greatest spirit of Britannia," Air said, immediately breaking into the chorus:

"Springtime for Hitler and Germany ... Deutschland is happy and gay! We're marching to a faster pace ... Look out, here comes the master race! Springtime for Hitler and Germany ... Rhineland's a fine land once more! ... Springtime for Hitler and Germany ... Watch out, Europe ... We're going on tour! Springtime for Hitler and Germany."

Air added, "Oh Iranian President Ahmadinejad was clapping to the tune like a six year old with Autism and ADD and ADHD. It was amazing how those belly wogs can sustain such a beat. We were all impressed. He's such a short chap, bouncing up and down as he did. Singing in his Farsi jibberish. It was so commical."

At one point, Air said the Iranian soldiers tried to recreate the German Nazi march, goose-stepping around the prison yard.

"They are such uncoordinated wogs. We had to explain how the Nazi goose step actually goes. They looked like little girls in those red dresses prancing around screaming things like Hiy-yal Boosh. Hiy-yal Boosh."

Air and the other British officers said that they joined in the spirit of the captivity, feigning surrender and apologizing for all sorts of British crimes.

"We apologized for everything, not just the war crimes of our soldiers in iraq," Air said responding to a rising chorus of criticism from American officers who said they were ashamed to call the British soldiers "backup" in the War on Terrorism.

"We apologized for Prince Charles and that dog-faced broad he calls a wife. Her breath smells worse than a schnauzer in heat. We apologized for being pasty-faced. We apologized for our men who are the picture in the Oxford Dictionary for effiminate sissies. At one point, Ahmadinejad asked if we were really sissies. The Iranians really love sissies apparently. We also apologized for wearing female underpants under our uniforms."

Air said he believed that the Iranians released them because, "They feared, frankly, that we would be bringing in our Western corruption and low morals into their ranks. Before we left, several of the Iranian soldiers asked if we would give them our panties for them to wear. We did and I know that many Brits are angry that we did that but the fear of being boiled, seasoned and turned into a plate of Mensiff frightened us beyond what any White person might think. It was horrible. Horrible. Just horrible."

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Carver of Pinocchio claims Iranian President is "lying wooden puppet" who vanished in 2003

(Disneyland, California, AP Breaking News) -- Geppetto, the impoverished Italian born in Florence in the mid-19th Century and who remains exploited till this day, declared from his new castle at DisneyWorld Europe that he believes that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, is in fact Pinocchio, his adoptive wooden son who disappeared many years ago.

"The resemblances are remarkable," Geppetto said from his silk-covered bed where he has remained as a recluse since his beloved mohagony son Pinocchio disappeared under mysterious circumstances related to Halliburton and the invasion of Iraq in March 19, 2003.

"Look at them. Ahmadinejad is a midget, maybe four feet tall. He lies through his wooden teeth much like Pinocchio who had a very difficult adolescence filled with exaggerations and storytelling. He was shunned by his generation of children who said he looked too stiff and had a head like a walnut. What? Ahmadinejad doesn't have the same," Geppetto said.

"Ahmadinejad and Pinicchio are the same. I can't wait to wrap my wrinkled arms around my boy and bring him back to sanity where fantasy and fiction dominate Western culture," Geppetto said between coughs, gags and Rothschild cigarettes.

Ahmadinejad's spokesman denied the claim, saying that Ahmadinejad was born in Tehran in 1950, acknowledging that he did change his first name from Maftool to Mahmoud because everyone said he was as crazy as a cookie. But, the spokesman, Tariq Aziz, who was the spokesman for the late dictator and Pinocchio fan Saddam Hussein, admited that President Ahmadinejad does wear elevated shoes with five inch high heels purchased from Porno star Jenna Jameson's "Hollywood Pimp Collection" to make him look taller.

But the strongest rebuke of the claim that he is really Pinocchio with a beard and schizophrenic personality came from Ahmadinejad himself, who declared. "Everyone knows that in the Islamic World, everything is backwards, much like in the Superman Comic Books series, Bizarro World. In the Islamic World, when we lie, our noses don't get longer. We start out with long noses. When we lie, our noses get shorter. Some of us lie to save money on Rhinoplastys and facial surgeries but my nose was always a little dinkle," Ahmadinejad insisted following his news conference where he announced he was releasing the 15 captive British sailors.

In the Superman comic series, Bizarro is the exact opposite of the rest of the world, someone who is held in great esteem in the Islamic World, the Arab World and in Israel where everything is not really what it seems. Even concrete is actually plyable chainlink fencing.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair issued a curt statement, "I am surprised. I didn't think that was Ahmadinejad's nose I had been stomping on."

END

Assad showers House Speaker "Ms Nancy" with Syrian Swag

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad greets U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi with full male honors Monday during Pelosi's controversial visit to Damascus, Syria.

Pelosi, whom Assad referred to affectionately as "Ms. Nancy" and "Habibi," posed for an official propaganda photograph with the Syrian dictator following their brief meeting where Assad presented Pelosi with an official collection of Syrian Swag.

In his 4 hour long welcoming address, Assad told Pelosi, "Ms. Nancy. I take Hollywood very seriously. The way they depict women is disgusting. Women should never be seen nor heard, just available when we need to have Mensiff cooked in under 2 hours notice," Assad said.

"Ms. Nancy. Please accept this Syrian Swag which represents the finest in Syrian culture and history."

The bag of swag gifts included:

A special black face veil with the words embroidered in gold in Arabic that read "Wife Number 2"

A woman's personal circumcision kit

Irshad Manji's new book "The Joys of Separation from Men" (Assad told Ms. Nancy he loved the title but has yet to read it.)

Several books including, "The Joy of Cooking While Fully Covered," "The Joy of Syrian Dictators," "The Joy of Joy, Assad's 1st Wife," and a copy of Assad's own new book, "The Joys of Pleasuring Your Husband When Your Turn in Harem"

An copy of the popular Syrian poster "Bush is a War Criminal Terrorist Hypocritical Lying Thief Son of a Camel" which Assad autographed

Pelosi wore a colored Chador during the press conference, and then changed clothes in a private backroom to wear the traditional black Chador. Assad gave Pelosi a red thong to wear underneath the Chador as a symbol of Syrian progress towards liberating women.

"Of course, Ms. Nancy. I would like it back when you are done with it," Assad told Pelosi as he handed it to her.

Pelosi then toured Damascus with a group of liberated Arab women who said they wore the black Chadors proudly as an expression of their independence. Mumbled one Syrian woman who was assigned to follow Ms. Nancy wherever she went, "Muslim women in Amreeka are covering themselves and we do so in honor of liberating them from the oppression of the American political system."

Later, Assad invited Ms. Nancy to his Palace where she enjoyed participating in the traditional Arab woman's practice of sitting in wood chairs in silence and heads bowed against the wall of the room while the Arab men dined, smoked and spoke openly about their sexual conquests.

Before leaving, Ms. Nancy accepted a law Assad said he hoped the American government would adopt that would grant special status to Arab-owned inner-city grocery store owners, saying, "You know. We can't drink alcohol in public, but we sure can sell it to the infidels."

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