ASK FATIMAH: Boyfriend's been acting weird lately; what to do?

Dear Fatimah:

My "boyfriend" has been actuing weird lately, making videos, photographs and writing 1,800 word manifestos, screaming about the news media, racism and his professors at school. I've tried everything an Arab girl can do, including promising him the promise of sex -- we kiss -- and making him maftool, his favorite dish. Yet, he seems like he is getting angrier and angrier. Is this something I should worry about?

Signed, Yasmeen

Dear Yasmeen:

Yes, you should be worried. Anytime an Arab boy doesn't get mesmerized by the promise of sex, he's off the deep end, or seeing an Amrekeeyan bitch! Does he work at his dad or uncle's grocery store. A sure sign he's getting some in the pasta aisle. Paint your face Black, put on some designer jeans and disguise yourself. If you want to know how to talk Eubonics, watch and listen to Paula Abdul on American Idol and pick up a few pointers. Then, go to the store, find your boyfriend, and ask him for help finding the Condoms, because you heard they are helpful.

See what happens. Insha'allah the truth will appear.

Oh. You don't attend Virginia Tech, do you? I'd hate for this to get out that you sought help, didn't get it. God forbid in our society people take responsibility for their own failures and they will say I didn't do enough. Smallah!

Fatimah