ASK FATIMAH: How does a good Arab girl respond to email solicitations?

Dear Fatimah:

I just opened, ya'ani, my first Hotmail account. I chose hotmail, ya'ani, to upset Baba. He thinks Hotmail, ya'ani, is a place where, ya'ani, you meet guys. I want to meet guys like David Hasselhoff, who, ya'ani, I have seen in that Great Satan TV show my Baba always watches, Baywitch. Ya'ani, I am concerned Baba will smother me, ya'ani, when I am sleeping, to preserve his, ya'ani, honor. I was about to explain to him, ya'ani, that the free Hotmail email account is not about sex. He think's "Hot Male" is a bad, wissich (filthy) site, ya'ani. But before I did, ya'ani, I received several emails to my new HotMale account from people offering to, ya'ani, enlarge my penis. Now, I don't have a penis. At least I don't think I do. Baba is always yelling at me, ya'ani, and praying for blessing on my 15 brothers, ya'ani, who I know why my brothers have penis's. (Did I spell penis's, ya'ani, correctly. I don;t know that.) Actually, I am not sure what a penis really is, ya'ani, as a good Arab girl who aspires to be one of the 72, PBUH(er). Yet, I think penis has something to do with sex. I know that my parents have cut and friend lamb penis in the past, or maybe that was mussarene (lamb intestine). Anyway, ya'ani, my question is, ya'ani, is Baba right or am I wrong? And, is Hasselhoff married? Can he have four wives.

Signed

"Aspiring to be the 4th wife"

Habeela

Bethlehem

Dear "Habeela."

Did your Baba give you that name or are you just stupid? Anyway, can you stop saying "ya'ani?" Ya'ani, it's making me, ya'ani, dizzy.

Hasselhoff is married. A penis has nothing to do with sex at all. It's the thing that separates men from women. Sex is something you will learn from a teacher, the mailman, if you get mail delivered in Bethlehem, and from the priests. Eventually, you will learn to hate your husband's penis but he will give it to some "nappy-haired hos" at his south side grocery store, anyway.

The emails about extending your penis are called Spam. That's a food I have heard is made out of chicken penis and cartilage. I don't know. I've never seen a penis either. Of course, I am wife number 4 in my family, so by the time it comes to me, no pun intended, it's pretty much disappeared from view. If I were you, I would enjoy Baywatch as long as you can.

Fatimah