Sunday, April 8, 2007

Olmert reconsiders strategy after polls show him at only 2 percent

One year after his centrist Kadima Party won a quarter of the seats in the Knesset and he became Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert now finds himself more unpopular with Israelis than the late Palestine President Yasir Arafat. Polls show that only 2 percent of Israelis say they trust their premier, two-thirds want him to resign and nearly every Israeli wants new early elections.

In response this week, Olmert announced his knew campaign strategy, "No Passover" in which no possibility to lift his polling will be passed over. Olmert compared his low ratings to Matzo, noting "Jews low flat unleavened bread and that's me." Olmert said he would look towards others who have higher public ratings to help noodge public confidence in his government.

Olmert's first meeting was with besieged Israeli President Moshe Katsav, who, already indicted on one rape charge, is now facing a second rape charge to be filed by Attorney General Meni Mazuz. Since the rape charges were brought, Katsav's popularity has risen, mainly among the growing Russian Jewish immigrant population, which is dominated by unsavory underworld mafia criminal elements and where rape and pillaging is considered a proud cultural tradition.

Olmert met with Katsav to discuss ways in which Olmert can raise his own popularity. "Clearly, filing a second rape charge will only double Katsav's popularity among the Ivans," Olmert said in reference to Russian Jewish voters. "Imagine how that can help me if I can also be charged with something other than bad leadership. I'm not Iranian, like Katsav, so I can expect my popularity to quadruple."

Olmert said one option is to take the advice of Pope Benedict XVI. "The Pope told me that ever since he bashed Islam and Mohammed, his own popularity went up more than 40 percent not just in the Catholic community but among Christians."

The Pope commented later, "Olmert could become a Catholic Saint. He has one miracle under his belt already. He has only 2 percent in a poll that has a plus or minus 5 point margin of error. That could mean that he actually has the support of Negative 3 Percent of the Israeli people. That's either typi"

Olmert also met with his chief rival Benjamin "Nasty" Netanyahu who said the secret to his popularity was not only to be tough with the Arabs, but to always look mean during photo shoots.

Netanyahu suggested that Olmert try the "two-faced" approach that has been so successful for Netanyahu's political career. "You talk peace but act war and refuse to make concessions to the Arabs. Let's be honest. Arabs are just Russia Jews with towels on their heads," Netanyahu advised Olmert.

Netanyahu said he never waivered from his strategy that Israelis can have war and peace at the same time. Later, Netanyahu met with U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi who returned from an effort to recruit the 6 foot 6 inch tall Syrian President Bash-her Ass Assad for the New York Nicks. Prodded by adoring reporters who offered to sleep with him, Netanyahu made his classic "meany face" which has helped him win overwhelming votes from the growingly ugly illiterate Russian mafia and organized crime population in Israel.
"The Netanyahu Meany Face works as well in Israel and in the Shtetle," Netanyahu said, taking three female reporters from Haaretz, Yedioth Ahronoth and the Jerusalem Post to his backroom for "private" interviews.

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