Assad showers House Speaker "Ms Nancy" with Syrian Swag

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad greets U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi with full male honors Monday during Pelosi's controversial visit to Damascus, Syria.

Pelosi, whom Assad referred to affectionately as "Ms. Nancy" and "Habibi," posed for an official propaganda photograph with the Syrian dictator following their brief meeting where Assad presented Pelosi with an official collection of Syrian Swag.

In his 4 hour long welcoming address, Assad told Pelosi, "Ms. Nancy. I take Hollywood very seriously. The way they depict women is disgusting. Women should never be seen nor heard, just available when we need to have Mensiff cooked in under 2 hours notice," Assad said.

"Ms. Nancy. Please accept this Syrian Swag which represents the finest in Syrian culture and history."

The bag of swag gifts included:

A special black face veil with the words embroidered in gold in Arabic that read "Wife Number 2"

A woman's personal circumcision kit

Irshad Manji's new book "The Joys of Separation from Men" (Assad told Ms. Nancy he loved the title but has yet to read it.)

Several books including, "The Joy of Cooking While Fully Covered," "The Joy of Syrian Dictators," "The Joy of Joy, Assad's 1st Wife," and a copy of Assad's own new book, "The Joys of Pleasuring Your Husband When Your Turn in Harem"

An copy of the popular Syrian poster "Bush is a War Criminal Terrorist Hypocritical Lying Thief Son of a Camel" which Assad autographed

Pelosi wore a colored Chador during the press conference, and then changed clothes in a private backroom to wear the traditional black Chador. Assad gave Pelosi a red thong to wear underneath the Chador as a symbol of Syrian progress towards liberating women.

"Of course, Ms. Nancy. I would like it back when you are done with it," Assad told Pelosi as he handed it to her.

Pelosi then toured Damascus with a group of liberated Arab women who said they wore the black Chadors proudly as an expression of their independence. Mumbled one Syrian woman who was assigned to follow Ms. Nancy wherever she went, "Muslim women in Amreeka are covering themselves and we do so in honor of liberating them from the oppression of the American political system."

Later, Assad invited Ms. Nancy to his Palace where she enjoyed participating in the traditional Arab woman's practice of sitting in wood chairs in silence and heads bowed against the wall of the room while the Arab men dined, smoked and spoke openly about their sexual conquests.

Before leaving, Ms. Nancy accepted a law Assad said he hoped the American government would adopt that would grant special status to Arab-owned inner-city grocery store owners, saying, "You know. We can't drink alcohol in public, but we sure can sell it to the infidels."

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