Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Top 10 News Stories this week

10. -- Don Imus loses major advertisers after referring to members of Rutger's female basketball team as "nappy-headed hos." But, a spokesman for Kotex said that as long as Imus has a mouth, they intend to offer their services.

9. -- MSNBC Host Glenn Beck admits in interview with the Rotten Falalfel that he is jealous of the Imus controversy. "He was nothing but a nappy-headed prune-faced duffus and then this. Now he's huge. There are so many White racists out there who didn't know him. I've actually seen much of my audience flock to his shows. I'm looking to insult a Black person, too. Obviously, slamming Arabs and Muslims has no impact. It's fun, but it doesn't create a blip on the ratings at all. Kharra!"

8. -- The Arab League announced it will amend its peace plan to Israel, which Israel rejected as "without detail." Amr Mousa, the League's spokesman-for-life, responded that the offer to recognize Israel included some key concessions, including: waving hello in the hallway of the United Nations; allowing Israeli diplomats to use Arab-only bathrooms at the U.N. which feature bidets for men; we'll even compromise and say "slalom" when we pass them in the hall. "What more could they want?"

7. -- President Bush, in response to Democratic control Congress action to block funding for America's illegal and alone invasion of Iraq, declared members of the Democratic leadership were "terrorist non-combatants" and therefore had no standing in American or international law. He ordered Karl Rove to order Dick Cheney to order Alberto Gonzales to immediately arrest all of the Congressional Democrats.

6. -- American Generals in Baghdad declared that they are "whining" the war on terrorism, saying that fatalities listed as Iraqi civilians would not be included in totals for "terrorists killed in action," or TKAs. "We're not winning yet, but we are a few letters away."

5. -- Maj. Gen. William Caldwell, head of the American controlled Iraqi forces, accused Iran's Ahmedinejad of "training Iraqis on the use of roadside bombs, known as EFPs, or explosively formed penetrators." To which Ahmedinejad immediately responded by accusing American forces of using "wedgies" to torture Iranian captives.

4. -- Hamas leader and Palestinian Prime Minister Ismael Haniyeh declared that Israel is responsible for blocking an agreement to release captured Israeli soldier Cpl. Gilad Shalit. Haniyeh said Israel rejected Hamas' "most generous offer": the release of 6,500 Palestinian prisoners, new parts for the Mercedes limousines Haniyeh's government inherited from the prior Fatah government, and, Israeli assistance in preventing Western entertainers "from coming into the Palestinian territories and corrupting the beobles." Said Haniyeh, "The biggest threat we have today are nargilas (sheesha pipes), dancing and happiness. No happiness!"

3. -- Hajabeany, Inc., the largest producers of Hijabs for Muslim women (and Iraqi soldiers fleeing arrest), announced the release of the new Hijab-a-phone, which features a pocket next to their ears where they can place a cell phone to keep their hands free. "In our research, we discovered Arab women need their hands free to not only keep their 15 children in line (an average) but also to push away unwanted solicitations from Arab men." The Hijab-a phones go on sale in time for Ramadan, and will come in all sizes and two colors, black and blue.

2. -- Researchers in the United Kingdom released a new study touted on YnetNews and other Israeli news sites proving that "Jews are smarter than gentiles." Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert said it was nice to know that he was more popular than someone, and added, "Like we needed a study to tell us what we already know that from the way we control the American media, congress and sale of Matzo Crackers at Wal-Mart?"

1. -- New York Times Columnist Thomas Friedman announced the release of a new book titled the "Lexus and the Broken Down Volkswagon," a study in disparity and despair in the media influences between Israel and the Arab World.

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