Monday, April 30, 2007

Hamas militants win Bir Zeit college campus elections, declares one state solution plan

The Hamas organization swept through student elections at Biz Zeit University this week, pushing aside challenges from moderates who advocate a two-state solution, and endorsing those who advocate a one state solution aptly titled: "Israel, no Palestine," or the Hamas INP One State Solution Plan, also dubbed the INP-OSSP, or, as many have already figured out, sounds incredibly close to the American expression, "Impossible!"

In celebrating their election victory, Hamas members fired guns in the air, killing tens of innocent doves that were flying over head. And, the Hamas leaders also declared a special day of thanks to their founder.

Of course, students were immediately confused as to whether Hamas was refering to the late Sheik Ahmed Yassin who was murdered by non-suicide Israeli helicopter pilots missile attacks as he was leaving a mosque being pushed out of the prayer service in his wheelchair where he had been confined for years as a paraplegic unable to move or walk. Or, bystanders wondered if Hamas was actually celebrating another pair of terrorist leaders, Yitzhak Shamir, the former head of the Stern Gang, and Ariel Sharon, who is now being used as the portrait on a new "Subway can make you thin" advertising campaign to promote the opening of 500 Indian-Urdu owned Subway Sandwich shops throughout Israel.

"Hey, if it wasn't for Shamir and Sharon, the "SS" of Israeli terrorism, Sheik Yassin could never have raised all that money in the 1970s under the umbrella of the Islamic Association and the Village League system, and then they would not have been able to push out the secular losers working for Arafat, and then they would never have been able to arm Hamas during the first few months of the first Intifada, which began for reasons no one really seems to remember because the list of martyrs is now more than 7,894 pages long and growing," said one former Fatah lieutenant whose son is a member of the secular wing of the al-Aqsa Martyr's Brigade, the "Christian Palestinians for Self-Destruction" unit.

Hamas said that once it takes over all of the universities, they next step will be to tackle the enemy at cafes and dance clubs. "Next year we'll do it right in Beirut," Hamas leaders cheered!


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