Saturday, April 7, 2007

British soldiers confess they performed Broadway play to win release

British troops held hostage by Iran for trespassing into Iranian waters said they survived 13 days of the worst torture they had ever experienced in their lives by singing the lyrics to the Broadway hit "Springtime for Hitler and Germany."

At a press conference after being released, British Royal Marine Capt. Chris Air said he and the others survived by borrowing the red dresses of the Iranian guards, and then entertaining the Iranian captors.

"We sang with the greatest spirit of Britannia," Air said, immediately breaking into the chorus:

"Springtime for Hitler and Germany ... Deutschland is happy and gay! We're marching to a faster pace ... Look out, here comes the master race! Springtime for Hitler and Germany ... Rhineland's a fine land once more! ... Springtime for Hitler and Germany ... Watch out, Europe ... We're going on tour! Springtime for Hitler and Germany."

Air added, "Oh Iranian President Ahmadinejad was clapping to the tune like a six year old with Autism and ADD and ADHD. It was amazing how those belly wogs can sustain such a beat. We were all impressed. He's such a short chap, bouncing up and down as he did. Singing in his Farsi jibberish. It was so commical."

At one point, Air said the Iranian soldiers tried to recreate the German Nazi march, goose-stepping around the prison yard.

"They are such uncoordinated wogs. We had to explain how the Nazi goose step actually goes. They looked like little girls in those red dresses prancing around screaming things like Hiy-yal Boosh. Hiy-yal Boosh."

Air and the other British officers said that they joined in the spirit of the captivity, feigning surrender and apologizing for all sorts of British crimes.

"We apologized for everything, not just the war crimes of our soldiers in iraq," Air said responding to a rising chorus of criticism from American officers who said they were ashamed to call the British soldiers "backup" in the War on Terrorism.

"We apologized for Prince Charles and that dog-faced broad he calls a wife. Her breath smells worse than a schnauzer in heat. We apologized for being pasty-faced. We apologized for our men who are the picture in the Oxford Dictionary for effiminate sissies. At one point, Ahmadinejad asked if we were really sissies. The Iranians really love sissies apparently. We also apologized for wearing female underpants under our uniforms."

Air said he believed that the Iranians released them because, "They feared, frankly, that we would be bringing in our Western corruption and low morals into their ranks. Before we left, several of the Iranian soldiers asked if we would give them our panties for them to wear. We did and I know that many Brits are angry that we did that but the fear of being boiled, seasoned and turned into a plate of Mensiff frightened us beyond what any White person might think. It was horrible. Horrible. Just horrible."

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